Children also know when parents are withholding information. What should parents do when they want to protect their children from the truth? Parents need to tell it like it is. They need to acknowledge that they no longer want to be married. When parents act in their own interest and miss an important event, they need to own their failure by sincerely apologizing. When parents deny marital discord and tell a child that everything is fine between mom and dad when one parent is never home and the one is always unhappy. When parents state trust me I only act in your interest, when they do the opposite.
For example, when they use allergies as an excuse for not allowing a pet or refuse to buy a child something he needs only to spend that money on their own needs, they are lying to their children about resources and how much they will sacrifice for their child.
When parents offer false reassurances, they never provide they comfort. And in extreme cases of overdoes, parental denial can result in death. These denials are invaliding and leave the child feeling alone, and misunderstood. Parents can tell the truth about negative events without focusing on ugly details. A violent act can be described as a troubled behavior where someone was hurt without saying it was a gory rape for example.
When parents are sick or lose their jobs or suffering some other things, kids know this. When kids fill in the blanks often their guesses are so much worse than dealing with the truth. The reality is that children can deal with almost any disappointment if provided parental support. It works the other way as well whereby if children are repeatedly lied to by parents they begin to doubt and distrust even the simplest realities.
Yes…but: what about a situation in which it really doesn't feel right to share the truth about a parent's post-divorce personal relationship s? The child may want to know, and feel entitled to know, but a parent's sexual behavior is private--and sometimes a parent's relationship with another adult must be kept secret for reasons that go beyond that parent-child relationship.
The problem then is a choice between outright denial of truth to the child, which doesn't feel good, is corrosive to the relationship for reasons explained in the article, and traps the parent into lying-- or, replying that it's personal and refusing to discuss it, which has the same effect as admitting to the affair, giving the child more info than he or she is actually prepared for--particularly if there are other people involved in the situation who would suffer by the knowledge.
In other words, the secrecy isn't confined to the parent-child relationship but applies to other people in the parent's social circle and the personal relationships of his or her lover. What then? It is a situation in which telling the truth could damage many other personal relationships. It puts an additional burden of secrecy on the child whenever that child interacts with people who would be affected by the knowledge if the child shared the secret.
Sometimes people say they want the truth but can't deal with it remember Jack Nicholson's character's line? To anonymous. Maybe tell the truth all around and don't have affairs. Be honest and divorce and that way you don't have to lie to anyone especially your child. Im on the other side of the story.
My mom and dad divorced only the reason why stayes a mistery. My mom says my father had an affair but my father says that thats not true. He also says that my grandpa and grandma found out that is was a lie, so they no its not true to. But I dont want to ask them the question. If I will ever find out myself without them telling me I think i will break with him or her. But if they both tell the truth I will forgive them. For me the problem is not in the history what ever happend happend, I know its messed up if you cheat on your wife but I can forgive him for that.
The problem is the lie. That way you are not only still being honest and fair with them, you are also demonstrating healthy boundaries. I am a 40 year old woman, have a 7 year old daughter. I'm not assuming he lies, I have outright been witness to situations and then hear how he covers up his involvement with stories. So, my daughter is always asking me things such as "Mom, dad just said this to me last week but then he did this, then he said he never said that and I said he did, then he punished me.
These types of things are commonplace for us. But, I use boundaries when she wants to know about every detail that happened between he and I. She's always asking "Mom, tell me something not nice that happened to you, that dad did to you. My parents have lied to me and my two brothers since childhood. We are grown adults in our late 50's; our parents are in their 80's and are still keeping truths from us. These lies are partly to protect us and partly to cover up their vulnerabilities as they age.
We always find out the truth and are devastated by the feelings of humiliation and distrust. Throughout adolescence and early adulthood, I would confront them with the hopes that they would understand how much it hurts when we find out the truth and how much better for our relationship it would be if they were honest with us. They always become defensive which causes me to distrust my feelings. To save our relationship and to let them age happily, I have stopped confronting them, but it is still so painful when I find out they haven't been truthful. How should I handle these feelings and the ongoing situation?
Hi Cheryl, So sorry that this is still your reality with your parents. I hope it didn't set you back in your personal life, to negatively affect your entire life. I come from a similar background, and my parents keep everything private and my mother is always a huge bundle of nervous energy trying to put a smile on her face in front of us and it always feels so horrible and fake to be around.
Unless she's letting loose violently we don't get a true picture of who she is, except scared and unable to function. I found rest and peace in the fact that, this is who my parents are. This is not changing, and I know of it and can draw boundaries around it. And, I do draw significant boundaries. I decided that I will do my best to make my parents comfortable in the future if their health fails, but I never expect that they will stop with the mask.
And if that's important to them, then so be it. It's not important to me I am an open book with people because YOLO. Much love to you, and hugs. I gave my mom my bank card to get me some burger king and a couple weeks later I got my statement showing that she got a pack of cigarettes form a gas station. I thought I could trust my mother but in reality she is just a marijuana addict and a loser. I honestly don't know. I have even seen people laughing and smiling at me while they are "tricking" me and it doesn't fully click anymore. I think ill just give them a break and let myself be selfish for a while I know im a good person and I wont let my will get the best of me or turn me into an unfeeling person I just have to trust myself I think.
I've helped raise my granddaughters. And this year as the father moved into a new rental I had them less but still pick them up each day from two different schools and have them here until his mother their other grandma picks them up. The granddaughters are changing their attitudes towards me and I feel it. I'm the grandparent that pushes school achievement, helps Ruth projects, attends the patent teacher report card conferences, good work ethic and responsibility. How sad that I've just found out my son in law has told my granddaughters to lie to me.
I e been feeling it as a gut feeling but I just got proof. They hsve been put into the middle by him not being honest. This particular situation is that my youngest is turning 10 and she told me about her birthday party this weekend but when I asked dad about it he said there was no birthday party because he couldn't get the day off. Then the oldest told me she'd made invitations and they'd been mailed out and that I'd be getting o e do I asked dad again and he said no party he couldn't get the day off and that she was mistaken.
Then I overheard the youngest talking about the party and rhen I asked her about what I heard she and her sisters lied to me and said it was what they'd hoped but their dad couldn't get the day off do there would be no party. When I told them I had always been to their birthday parties and had actually been the one, many times, who gave the party, that I'd really want to be at their party, the youngest said I could take her out for a special outing and it would be more special because it would be on her actual birthday snd not on the weekend.
This from a 9 year old sounded to me she'd been "talked to" and it did not sound like something a nine-year-old would come up with on her own.
I feel for you and personally think there is something intrinsically wrong with people who lie, and they will never ever change. But your grandchildren are still developing and so there is a chance for them! I hope you are still in close contact with them, and continue to smile. Try to reassure the father that you have no problems and would understand if he has moved on, you are there simply for the love of your grandkids Just keep reiterating it until they get it.
Wish you all the best. Liars are so aggravating, they live in their own world. I would really be curious to know any strategies or treatments for overcoming these ill affects of a parent lying So much of this resonates with me. I can't say exactly that my parents lied frequently - it implies too much conscious choice - but I do feel this unstableness and distrust in my own experience s and perceptions, and that my mother is never, ever wholly honest with herself or me about her true feelings and intentions.
She onky wants to own up to "pretty" feelings, any anger or jealousy or neediness, especially neediness, is blocked from her view, but of course influence s her words and deeds, and wgats more, I can FEEL it there. As a chikd this was very confusing, and niw I've grown into a very confused adult that doesn't know when or hiw to trust her feelings, plauged by doubt and especially self-doubt.
I have confronted my mother nunerous times about this to no avail. If someone doesn't want to see, you can't force them. Bug I am keft very congused, hurt, and frustrated how to be in the relationship. How xan I interact with someone when ever word seems a deception? But if I abondon her the world hates me I also see the negative impact this has had on my ability to be in relationships. If someone doesn't see things exactly how I do, it feels very threatening and scary, I can feel my sense of reality fade away, like theres nit room for both, its either me or them, and of course the habit is to assume they are right and I'm wrong, but that doesnt work since I still have my feelings and perspective, so I'm frustrated and in conflict Any suggestions on how to heal and grow beyond these maladaptive behaviors grwatly appreciate d.
To the psychologist who wrote this article, you were spot-on about the lifelong psychological harm caused by a parent's lying to their child during childhood. If done often enough, about things that are very important to the child, the harm done can be immeasurable. I speaj from experience as the child all grown up and still suffering from the pain and confusion; the helplessnesd and the sense of betrayal from all those lies about things that involved planning for my future, and feeling like I had enough value to deserve the respect of being told the truth so that I could make informed choices about my future.
A lot of rage too. It is enraging to be so powerless, again and again and again. It is enraging to have painful feelings denied and repeatedly inflicted again and again, when it didn't have to be that way, if only my parent had shown me the bare minimum or respects. And they refused to apologize and gaslighted me for years about their failure to keep any promises made to me about things I money I had earned and though I was saving for college.
They spent it all and lied to my face.
Then lost everything I owned in storage while managing to save all of their own possessions. And the list goes on. But nothing is ever their fault. I want to know why my mom lies about me to my dad so he can come home from work and beat me. I don't know if i'm the only one. No you are not the only one.
Yes You need to report it to the authorities. But first it would be better if you could get video evidence of the beatings. Weigh your options before acting. Good luck , stay safe. I have seen atrocious parents lie to others that interact with their child notifying people that their child has a mental disability and to only interact with them in a calm and retarded manor. My mom put me in dance and performing arts she was on drill team in high school , and I got really into that.
I have a really vivid memory of being pulled out of school early in the morning when I was in 1st grade. My dad had decided we were going to Sacramento to go to the zoo. I had a visceral reaction to this you might call it an anxiety attack. This was a school day! He calmed me down and I think we called my mom just to make sure it was okay. What a weirdo. So would you trust Experts? She went from housekeeper to nurse not without struggle. Then 4 years later she had a baby at age 47!!
From my dad I learned to love expressively and explosively, and that learning is a life-long pursuit that is at the core of a happy existence. In many words: My grandfather has in his time developed 2 very powerful and effective communities. First, my family. I have my grandfather to thank for that. The second community that my grandfather has had a hand in building is the town he lives in.
Many towns and cities define themselves by something unique within them. Major companies, factory, main street, churches, school, libraries etc. For the town of Warwick, my grandfather has given not only money but years of his life towards developing each one of those things. His name is on a few buildings next to or even above the people that have donated money towards them. So to tell you what I learned from him is simply this: develop a community that can sustain itself and you can be proud of. The best thing I ever learned came from my Aunt Bon, who acted as a second mother.
She approached life with a delightful blend of eastern and western philosophies.
I can still hear her voice telling me to be true to myself, with personal integrity, and that there is a flip side to everything. Wisely, she would look at me and ask that I think through every decision because of the consequences of that very action. Then with a slight smile add that only in Vegas does one get a double headed coin. My parents encouraged me to try anything I wanted to. They supported that choice. Anything you do, do it properly. Now, I try and not give people sub-standard work. Maintain friendships. The majority of my friends I met at 11 years old and the others I met in my first job.
Travel often! They never let the opportunity to take a road trip pass, or to take a trip overseas. What i have learned from my parents is to never stop believeing in your dreams, never stop giving up on them because the journey was cloudy and fill with disbeliefs. To always remain true to yourself. My parents shared their love of music, art, and culture with me. Throughout my life I have been a regular and enthusiastic attendee and participant in all sorts of cultural activities.
It would have been hard to gain this appreciation on my own without them pointing me on this path. First do no harm. My goal is to integrate the principle of Ahimsa into values based business practices. Out of all of the lessons they taught me growing up, either through repetition or insight, one stood out above all of the others: The value of delayed gratification. There is not a single are of my life that has not benefited from keeping this principle in mind Education, Business, Relationships, Investing. My mom never went to school. My dad only went uptill 4th grade. I learned all basic survival skills of life from my mom.
Nowadays youngsters are not interested in cooking, nutrition. I never realized how important it was for the whole family to have this daily ritual until I got married. Both my parents took night classes while I was growing up, and my mother worked some nights. I think those are hitting the hardest right now — I can easily think of more.
Such a great idea! There is always enough room and food for everybody and he who speaks loudest, will be heard ; 2. Get outdoors and breathe some fresh air — it clears your mind and makes you happy. Do this with the ones you love; 4. Family is everything Apply this to your community ; 5. Give wholeheartedly; 6. The German genes run strong in my family. As a teenager and young adult, this was highly irritating for me and felt really overbearing.
But I now appreciate the original education I received in making goals, making a detailed plan, putting time on the calendar to get it done, and always showing up to get the work done. Ramit, thank you for sharing and posing this question! You sliced down to the most important core of relationships — love and caring. Not the kooky, family crazy stuff that we can all joke or complain about, but the things that bind us together. So on that note, my mom is a mixture of traditional and nontraditional. My husband calls her a throwback, but I am not so sure about that.
She was raised by a nontraditional Basque father and red-headed mother. Granddad could run heavy equipment, work mining operations, garden and he taught my grandmother how to cook she was lady! He was hurt several times, but always found ways to contribute which meant teaching himself how to cook and braid rugs to keep from getting bored.
He passed his respect of women on to my mom and uncles one uncle runs a construction business and his best backhoe operators are his granddaughters. Grandma drove taxi at night to support them when he was seriously hurt. She loved to sell things. She sold Tupperware and won two trips to Orlando, then she sold Ford cars the only woman in the dealership and was a salesperson at Sears. And my dad, well at 80, he is still going strong. He has to be to live with a strong woman. My parents and grandparents taught us to make our own decisions, to love work and that family matters above all else.
If someone needs help, my parents are the first ones to step in! This has been invaluable to me along with their mantra of never being afraid to try, and to ask. Then you shake it off, learn from it and move on and up. Thanks Mom and Dad. I am a son of single mother with four brothers. My mother made sure I acted according to proper manners and etiquette.
So many people are ignorant to the fact of their own ignorance. It affects people in a profoundly negative manner, that only society suffers. From my dad who is a amazing negotiator and self made success in real estate: 1. Do not be afraid to walk away, even multiple times.
More often than not they will follow you and offer you a better deal. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all, i. Be nice to the front desk at hotels. If they like you they are more likely to give you a free upgrade if they have it. Make it work with what you have. They got the loan. This is a little harder to explain, but what ever idea I ever had she would always encourage me to put it on paper — make a list, draw a picture, and then make it real. The combination is amazing. He also taught each of us to have really big expectations for our lives; we grew up with an understanding that we really could change the world if we worked hard.
This also had the simultaneous effect of allowing all three kids to believe that their ideas were valuable and worth pursuing. On the other hang, my mother taught us to think outside the box. Even for small projects we were encouraged to think about them creatively — she challenged us and showed us!
Artists have an amazing way of looking at the world and interpreting it for the better, and I think that has translated into how us kids look at our business endeavors. Lastly, as a natural hostess and philanthropist, she also taught us the value of putting others first, and the importance of giving back to the world in ways that are lasting. In the end, the effect was amazing on all three kids. We are constantly curious about the world, and we all believe that we have tools to conquer big challenges — to be disruptive towards change.
We investigate how others are looking at the same issue and then spend sometime thinking about how we can take it to the next level — make it better, make it bolder, make it more efficient or exciting. We are all willing to work hard to make change, and importantly, not only are we not afraid to tackle complicated issues — we seek them out and strive to be creative on how to fix them. Importantly, this also translated into a strong sense of self-worth, which I believe is instrumental to any person who wants to be successful in the marketplace.
Also, to ASK for what I need. The importance of independence. My parents divorced when I was Watching my mom pull her life back together and find a career was life changing for me. It has been good for me as an individual and healthy for our marriage. Both of my parents are givers by nature, and they are both very hardworking people with a lot of self discipline.
Somehow , my ultimate belief of the safe world I got from them seems to save me- eventually! God bless them. When making a decision, clear out all emotions. Never seek vengeance—it will return karmically to hurt you or the ones you love. When making a decision, be strenuously objective.
Do your research—lots of it. Invest in professional advice. From my darling mum, I have learnt that you can achieve anything if you set your mind to it, after having 4 kids, she went back to school to become a teacher, then she took an interior design course and designed our house. I love my mother dearly, although arguments are more frequent than might be considered ideal.
From her I have learned things which will stay with me forever:. The person that you want to punch squarely in the nose for their constant harassment might provide you with incredible opportunities a few years down the line. How am I meant to afford the best one available? Buy for long-term use, not short-term satisfaction. If the tasks set are small, she told me to sit my butt down and do them immediately before I could go and watch Cartoon Network on the TV or whatever screen my pre-teen self was usually glued to.
Even if they were long assignments that could be worked on over the month, Mum advised me to start straight away, so that I could progress consistently. Applying this tactic to everything I do has enabled me to totally avoid stress of any kind. It feels better than the weight of guilt. I have a great relationship with my father, too, but my mother was the one who instilled these invaluable traits in me. From my Mum I learned that to achieve most things in life, you have to be determined and work hard.
She brought-up my sister and I on her own, for 10 years. During this time she had 7 part-time jobs at 1 point, and she worked so hard that she managed to buy a detached house in a nice neighbourhood. She always welcomed our friends home and would cook for us all even with many people sleeping on all the available floor space. She is certainly a generous soul. A real carer for people. From my Step-Father, always be honest and truthful. Be there for your family. I had struggled for years and tried the patch, nicotine gum, etc.
I would make it a few days and give in. My Dad had quit years before when my 5 year old sister climbed in his lap and asked him why he did it. Hope this might help if any of your readers are struggling with an addiction. My parents were both shy, sensitive introverts. They made huge contributions in the fields of science engineering and academia. I learned from them that the loudest person is not always the one most worthy of my attention. Hard work matters more than talent and intelligence.
Value the people who at least try to improve, even if they hit their peak at average. When you can, spend extravagantly on the things you love, like travel or your home. Education was always the highest priority. Sometimes the greatest joys are found in doing things on your own at home. I knew when I was in the 3rd grade that I was going to college and the importance of education.
It was drilled into my brother, sister and I. They were fun and loved to party from time to time so I ended up at a party school while graduating first in my class in my major But they taught us the importance of consistent hard work and we saw this of parents daily. My dad never got sick and missed only one day of work that I can remember. He swore by his daily vitamin C tablet. We all work very hard because of this example. I saw my mom go back to school at the age of 35 to become an educator.
She loved her new job, though she enjoyed her job as an RN as well, and knew she was making a difference in the lives of children who needed her. I learned the importance of serving those less fortunate and being passionate about the work you do. A couple things I learned from them. Thanks for this great thread, Ramit. So just do something that makes a lot of money. If you need to criticize someone or are mad at someone for something, make sure they understand that you are criticizing them or are mad at them for a specific reason.
Then, even though they were bad at this next step, I learned that if the issue is addressed, you let it go and it does not need to be addressed again. I learned from my father to always be inquisitive and curious about the things around me. It really gave me an appreciate later on for the importance of understanding things and using intellect. She taught me compassion, respect, and helping your fellow man, but she also taught me how everybody is not your friend, people will take advantage of your kindness, and you have to look out for yourself as well.
The best thing I learned from my mom was to be kind and to pay attention to animals and nature-they both deserve our respect and we should be good stewards of them. From my dad, the love of words and to choose them thoughtfully. To always treasure resourcefulness — in myself and in others. Celebrate going the extra mile. To always give yourself time to succeed by starting early, and finishing strong. My mother taught me empathy — to be aware not wary of their motivations. She also taught me to be mindful of how you treat others, by freely giving without expecting return. People will reciprocate when they can, and when you least expect it.
She had a great talent for getting people to open up and she made many, many strangers happy by smiling and asking them how they were, or about something they were doing or buying or wearing. My parents who are full of good advice on every other topic met while hitchhiking, and got married three months later. My mom would always insist that getting married quickly was the only way to find a good partner. I thought my parents had just taken a stupid risk and got lucky that it worked out. For a decade I was in and out of long-term relationships with men that were great, but I could never quite make the commitment.
At 31, I got set up on a blind date, and within several weeks, we were ready to move in together and plan our wedding. We are still that sickening couple that exudes happiness. Also my parents taught me to never order drinks or desert at a restaurant, and that appetizers are only acceptable if it is your entire meal. From my mom a never follow a cookbook recipe blindly — ask yourself does this recipe makesense- if it does not then read a few more and put things together.
Just like Big Oil. I receive federal aid for half my tuition and pay the other half myself. The event itself may long be forgotten but the memory itself is retained or encoded as a physical sensation in the body. It comes from an indomitable will. No returns. These are the quotes that inspire me most--please comment at the bottom of the article with your favorite inspirational quote. But how can you do all this?
Now when I think of this advice I use it in many other areas of my life-it helps me problem solve. Everyone makes mistakes and then next time you will know better. While we seek perfection in others we need to ask ourselves what are we doing to better ourselves. From my dad a When you have a fear just remember that my parents came to this country with 8 dollars in their wallet. We are better off today than we were back then- with this knowledge we can always go forward. Every action and thought is logical within the framework that gave rise to it. Western norms are not the perfect standard to measure things by.
This one has a dark side of letting myself off the hook too early but is still more than worth knowing. How has this changed my life? Politically correct multi-culturalism is my default mode of being. I can see the good and bad in many different lifestyles and most people, but I rarely make value judgements on those differences. Whenever someone had was sick, had a surgery, or a death in their family, my mother would make tons of food and take it to their place… It feels good to give. They taught us from a young age to always be honest and tell the truth. This included everything from doing dishes, dusting, vacuuming, and other household chores to music and school work.
Extra tough on the school work. Always expecting tons of studying and excellent grades. My dad taught me how to always be there for friends and family — and how to build things. My mom helped me to be stylish. And my grandmother taught me to garden, sew and make pie crust … they are all gone now, but I carry them with me …. To save money regularly. My parents would give me a regular amount of money every week, and I would have to manually record it down, and keep track of how much I had saved over time.
When a special occasion came, I was allowed to use the money I had saved to purchase something I wanted, and I would also have to do the manual recording and accounting of what I would spend. They also taught me to be nice to everyone, take care of others, and be giving. They treated everyone the same. From my mom I got the deep-seated assurance that I was loved and that the universe was a good and kind place. Looking back, the best thing I learned from my parents was about hard work.
My Dad always had at least 2 jobs and a side business the entire time I grew up. It was just normal to work days a week in my house. No one in my cohort understands why I do it or how, even…lol! That a woman should be independent — my parents did not have shared finances and my mom managed her business by herself — and that the only limits to your potential are the ones you put on yourself. I learned the priceless lesson of working for anything I wanted.
I really wanted a car when I turned 16 so my dad said to get a job. The highest paying job was detassling corn…in the corn fields… In the hot summer Iowa sun. As a pale short girl, I had to wear a huge hat with long sleeves, not fun. To set a goal and actually achieve it is something I will always be grateful for. Hello Ramit. The one thing I learned from my parent, my father, was the value of hard work. My father worked three jobs, with little sleep, I might add, to put both my brother and I through private school and college.
I always admired my dad for the things he did to keep my brother and I clothed, fed and educated. The amazing thing was, he still always found time to spend with my brother and I whether it was helping us with schoolwork or taking trips to spend quality time with us.
I have never forgotten the values he instilled in me and the work ethic he provided me with to strive for success.
Thanks for sharing this, Ramit, great post topic. The best thing I learned from my parents is how to achieve your goals within given resources through proper planing and saving and hard work. I learned from my parents: The value of perseverance to create something from zero. The value and the power of working together, and be real partners to build a goal.
The power of sharing, be givers and be generous From my mother I specially learned through her example the gift of being woman and the magic of being tender, generous and nurture others in many ways with kindness From my father that Actions speak louder than words It has changed me to let me flow, be grateful, want more, not be attached to anything or anyone, and trust in the process of life. Do whatever it takes to resolve the situation, and THEN fall apart if you need to. If either one of us kids messed up, she would circle the wagons, and get the situation handled.
If she felt like we needed to be lectured or punished, she would do that AFTER the thing was resolved. I was shocked when I became an adult and found that some people fall apart in the face of a crisis, instead of afterwards. Mom did good. I always say that my mother gave us roots and my father gave us wings. While one worked tirelessly to instil values of hardwork, the other taught us the ingenuity needed to overcome roadblocks that would most definitely overwhelm us.
Here are some of my best learnings from my parents. I cannot express how crucial this has been in my life. That was my conversion moment because it echoed a core belief. I come from a family of academics so being enamored by new fascinating subjects is second nature. Researching, practicing, ideating are all great — but at some point I have to be willing to bet on my ideas and take the plunge. I was somewhere among the top few — never a straight acer — always an oddball. What mattered was what were we doing with what we learnt — not how great grades we made while learning it.
Isolated for being brown in Europe, bullied for being a European-born in India. You can tell I often stay in the presidential suite in Victim-ville. Being an oddball helped me cultivate ingenuity, open unknown paths, create eclectic bonds — all of which have been far more fulfilling than living a formula. Besides, after being rejected so much — it stops making a difference. Networking gurus talk about connecting with people who are more powerful than you.
But there are two other valuable insights that also need attention. Over the years I watched my parents being very respectful, appreciative, kind towards all the people who made their lives easier. And I applied that to my own career. Sure, some people took advantage of the compassion. But I was also able to deliver projects with ridiculously difficult timelines. Like going from idea to artwork to printing , brochures and getting them delivered to the other end of the world in 60 hours flat, or getting a national daily to push its printing deadline by 3 hours to accommodate my brand campaign, or getting a mega website up in 7 days flat — things like those happened because I was taught the importance of learning the small jobs, and networking with the people behind those jobs — not just the big names.
One of the most powerful lessons my parents taught me at a young age was the concept of compound interest. Not only was it a lesson in financial awareness it was also a lesson in understanding the power of NOW. They taught me to take advantage of my youth and that one day my future self would be thankful. Perfect example: my parents convinced me to sell my goldmine of beanie babies when I was 8 years old.
I think the reason their lesson was most effective is because they treated me like a future-adult instead of a clueless child. They empowered me to think about my actions, and to see my youth as an advantage rather than a disadvantage. Most important of all to treasure loved ones, honour parents even after their death and always remember that as their child , you carry their legacy and make them always proud of you through your words, action and deeds.
Be humble always. By the time I graduated high school they had provided a temporary home for my cousin and later my cousin her two kids and her boyfriend , my aunt and uncle and their two kids, a couple of foster children, two neighborhood boys one of which eventually became my big brother , another cousin, a different uncle and a family of 7 from our old neighborhood. Those are just the people that lived with them. There were countless other people that were helped in other ways.
Not to mention numerous stray cats, dogs and turtles that found homes with them as well as a number of injured birds that were nursed back to health and released into the wild. For most of my life, I mainly looked up to my mom for this. She was the one that had the passion for helping. She was the one that always led the charge. He got up every day and still does , heads into work and gets the job done. On a side note, my dad also taught me that text books are for pleasure reading. Im very grateful for my parents, i learnt alot from my mom in particular, she is great woman, All i know today was induced to me by her, she thought me everything i need in life, kindness, smart, keeping evirons and myself clean, how to address public and important personels, ETC, if i begin to mention all, this page will full and it still remaining, i living happilly today because of mom, since my tender age im living positivelly without fears.
She is a great woman. My granma who was my major parental figure when growing up taught me two things which probably shaped me more than anything. Always be a gentlemen, class is about delicacy in action not money, power or authority. She taught me to love and respect truth. THE truth. She was so specific about that. I miss them both so much now. They never really got to see me as a grown up. Thanks for this question. So be skeptical, but learn to listen. Make sure it makes sense to you first. My father was a frugal type, but when it comes to the foods we are very abundant!
He told us that we should be humble always, even if how far we have reached. Family is the first thing first before anyone else. Travel as much as you can. A world of education is waiting beyond your immediate community. It will change who you are in incredible ways. I love this question. Some of the greatest lessons I learned from my parents have to do with relationships. My parents have been married 34 years and been together 38 years, but they were always very honest with me and my sister about the nature of marriage and relationships. They taught us that relationships are not like they are portrayed in movies, that require commitment and work but that makes it even more worth it.
Also, they taught us as women to not look as ourselves as a princess and expect to be taken care of by our partners. But to be an active participant in our relationships. My parents are still in love with each other because they are honest with themselves and accept each other as they are with their own quirks and faults. Being able to differentiate between fantasy what movies portray about love and reality prepares us to better deal with the challenges of maintaining a healthy relationship.
This lesson extends to other parts of my life too, like my career. It all comes down to being brutally honest with one self and working with the tools that life gives you to make the best of it. I have a memory of my mom watching a VHS on being an effective manager while working out on her Jazzercise step in our living room.
She had been having some challenges with her team at work, so instead of complaining, she looked to how she could improve. When she started assistant coaching my soccer team when I was in middle school, she took out books on coaching soccer from the library. When my brother joined the wrestling team, she took out five books on wrestling. And that you should always strive to be better. I decide to pursue.
He taught me to always leave things better than how you found them. Great lesson! He taught me how to approach things methodically, and think things through before starting a project. That is a great question. The most important thing that they taught me was to spend time with my children.
No matter how long and hard their days were, both parents always did things with us to show that they cared.
We never had a lot of possessions, but my brother and I knew that we were loved. Such a great question. Helps refreshing all memories of parents back in the past. Things I learnt from:. Woke up early morning, start working for whole day and having an enjoyable evening by just watching her TV show.
It might be boring for some people, but I see this as a value where my mom can turn all this into a habit, a system that even though there are so much overloads work to do, but she can always finish them in time. My folks were both pretty cold people with a lot of insecurities. They told me I could do anything I wanted in my life with my intelligence, but discouraged my forays into music or art.
I think they wanted me to grow up to write the Great American Novel and actively discouraged anything they saw as distracting me from that, but would never say so. This will also sound odd, but one of the best things I learned was something my father got from studying under Reinhold Niebuhr: that institutions governments, companies, churches are incapable of acting as moral agents in the way that individuals can, because while people can individually decide to sacrifice themselves or act against their own self-interest altruistically or to benefit others, institutions are all programmed primarily to perpetuate themselves.
So for instance, when the Catholic Church was shown to have protected priests who were raping children, this was shocking, but not surprising: the Church was primarily invested in perpetuating itself, rather than in its ostensible purpose, to save souls, or even protecting its most innocent parishioners. This helps me to see power dynamics in terms of what groups do, rather than judging mainly by the stories they tell about themselves. From the same source, he also taught me that everything contains something of its opposite and the seeds of its own destruction, kind of the yin-yang principle.
So luck, determination and cooperation — as well as a strong faith — can make the difference between survival and succumbing. I appreciate having had the opportunity to live with both my mother and grandmother separately. My mom taught me the value of having fun and keeping a childlike spirit, and to be an unconventional woman in terms of building things with your hands, and being strong as she is an athlete.
My grandmother taught me the power of putting your mind to tasks and accomplishing them. Though this is still training I am undergoing, my grandmother is 76, president of her garden club, member of the art council, and several different committees and she is always creating things that influence many. Be it dances, shows, home tours, flower arrangements, or regularly updating her house into a magical, comfortable place out of a magazine, I appreciate her ability to transfer ideas of the mind into reality. This attitude helped me prioritize when I was a broke student and when I returned to being a broke student after having an income for a few years.
My parents were incredible supporters of what I wanted to do from the very start.
From my mother, to never get too far from what makes you happy. Thank you! The best thing I learned from my parents was how they valued education. My dad always encouraged us to go for as much education as we could. Generosity to everyone, family, friends, clients the skinny cats in the street… Honesty, no matter how brutal it may be.
Hard work. Never to sit on public toilets…. To be an self-reliant adult. When I was having trouble dealing with my messy roommates, my parents told me I could move back in with them on one condition- that I paid them rent. A year later I left, to get my own apartment with no roommates. My parents taught me to be a person of my word. They were never wishy washy with an answer. Also, We never heard or saw my parents argue. That in turn taught me I needed to learn the art of disagreeing.
What a cool question! My parents have taught me so much. Perseverance- Never give up during times of trial. It is important to keep your head held high and figure out what you need to accomplish to continue forward. Kindness- Always treat others with kindness in all walks of life. My parents are two of the kindest people I know and I am not just saying this because they raised me. They lovingly adopted me internationally, handpicking me to join their family. Value family- This ties into the last lesson. Family is special and should be treasured. Not all families are the same but they will be yours for life.
Make time for your family; support, love, and keep your family close to your heart. As I have developed adult relationships with each of my parents, I realize they will not live forever and cherish our time together. Early on, I was taught to articulate my words. This has helped me in both my professional and personal life. With anything I have chosen to partake in, my parents have let me choose.
Because of this, I feel like I am who I want to be— truthfully, a genuine person. Their encouragement to live my own life and create my own journey is refreshing. This post really hit home, as my father died suddenly on April 9th. Reading it brought up a lot of memories and tears. Great ones. My dad was incredibly active in the community, if volunteering was paid work, my dad would have been a billionnaire.
Taking action in any way you can to make a difference is a powerful lesson he taught me, no action is too small. Actually, he played pickle ball the evening before he died. A life of service is what he led. My father also taught me and my sisters to be women of our words. When I say something, I mean it, then I do what I said.
This is part of living a rich and fulfilling life. Upon hearing those words, people usually smile and their shoulders relax. It makes the whole experience — happy or sad — a lot more enjoyable or peaceful. One lesson that was brought to life as people came to the funeral home to pay their respect was how my dad let his actions speak for himself… And his actions often preceded him everywhere. Without saying a word. Then it was done.
Letting my actions speak for me and reveal who and how I am as a human being is a way of being I intend on embracing even more as a way to honour my dad. From my mother I learned the value of becoming the best at what you do. She is the best in her field in Madeira and that gives her a lot of freedom. From my father I learned the value of hard work and persistence. He never gives up until he gets it done. He was so calm and he taught me to take breaks and be good to myself when stress hits. The greatest thing my mom taught me or gave me was self-sufficiency.
I am sure out of pure exhaustion of being a single mom and working long hours she have us more than the usual chores around the house. In 5th grade she wrote out the steps to doing laundry. How to separate it, how to wash and how to dry. She took us over to the laundry in our rental building and walked us through it. She said I learn to do it right because she would never do it for us again we earned the tough love on this one. I learned and did it.
I learned to cook and to sew and anything else I wanted to learn so I could do it myself. In college I remember going to the laundromat and having friends ask me how to do it because they had never done their laundry or anything else. That translated into so many areas and I am so grateful that she took the time to show me. I have built a great business and have always been able to move forward because I am not afraid to ask how to do something, learn how to do it and then decide if I was truly the best one for the job or not.
So invaluable. My mother was highly critical of others and exclusive in the extreme. Of course, opposites seem to attract! My dad was inclusive, welcoming, and inviting. They divorced when I was quite young and went on to marry people more like themselves. Both qualities are important. Life works better when both sides are in balance. Networking is powerful 2. Even if you dont have confidence, fake it any way 3. Be generous to those deserving of such generosity 4. Education is important 5. Nobody cares about your dreams but you…so get it done already.
Looks are important, so always look your best, and use it to get things accomplished. Hard work is one ingredient to recognition 2. Dont be risky without a plan 3. Intelligence can only take you so far without guts 4. Start saving for retirement now…no I mean it…now. No seriously, do it today. Always have a plan B and C and D. Work hard so you never have to use them. The squeakiest wheel gets the oil 7.
Be patient [I still suck at this]. The thing I learned from my mom was to be kind to everyone you meet. So be kind and everyone will benefit. My father, while he was still alive, at different points of my life used to ask me if I was happy, and if I was satisfied. Not advice per say. Those used to be the most honest questions I ever received because they touched upon the crux of everything: how fleeting the life is, how little time we have here even if we live to be a , and how the focus of actions we take, and things we do on a large and small scale should be to make the time here good for ourselves.
Thanks Ramit for this question! In all that frustrating dwelling about what my parents did wrong, what they taught me gets easily lost. My mum taught me to enjoy music, good books and holidays, no matter how bad sometimes everyday life can be. The most important things my outstanding parents taught me: 1. Put your heart in your dreams, roll up your sleeves and pursue them 5. Probably the most important thing my parents taught me was that traveling is the best teacher. Visiting other countries has opened me to countless business opportunities, connections and new ways of thinking.
Those in turn have contributed to making my life far better than anything else. Thanks Ramit for bringing up this question. That also meant consequences too, not just the rewards. I received what I deserved in every situation with out hesitation. He also taught me that a woman needs to be herself but she also needs to be loving and nurturing to herself and those around her and never feel inferior or superior to any man, woman, child or animal, that we are all a part of the big picture in the mural.
One thing that I am grateful for my parents is that they thought me never to give up even when all the doors seem to close to your face. That is why, I always keep searching to find another solution to a problem. In most cases I am rewarded handsomely for my persistence. Critical thinking skills, although I did not know it at the time. My folks were cautious about being taken for fools and always seemed to me to quickly understand when they were not getting the full story. The best thing I learned from my parents, is how to effectively advocate for myself, and how to speak clearly.
I learned to not be shy about asking questions and using resources, and how to be extremely polite while still being assertive and communicating what it is that I want. I learned how subtle differences in attitude and execution could mean the difference between someone saying no, and saying yes. Do I want something, or do I have the right to it?
My parents taught me: 1. That complaining is a waste of time and energy. Taking action is better. No one is going to fix it for you, so get off your butt and just do it. Take personal responsibility for your life. Gratitude is an essential life skill. Practice it every day. Always act with integrity. Without integrity you are less than your potential self. I agree with most here. Do what you love, apply your self with tasks assigned, and learn from your mistakes. I love my parents for their support, guidence and help with my bad marriage.
Thanks a million I will not be able to repay the favors. If I had to pick to be rich or be poor with my folks that is easy poor as hell is my answer. Well, in truth I have been experiencing a magnitude of different awakening processes.