For his opening monologue, Steve Martin talks about the inspiration for his comedy ideas, then does a magic act that ends with him tackling and beating a member of the audience. The Festrunk brothers prepare their apartment for the two girls they believe are on the way, but their neighbor Cliff tells them they've been stood up. Medieval doctor Theodoric of York treats a series of patients by draining their blood.
A man and woman catch each other's notice in a crowded club, and dance together romantically as the rest of the club freezes in place around them. During the Weekend Update, Jane Curtain and Dan Aykroyd debate abortion, Jane reports on Carter's energy policy and a new nasal contraceptive, and Dan berates Garrett Morris for short-changing him on the weed he bought. Steve performs a song about King Tut.
The Nerds Todd and Lisa prepare their science fair projects. The skits for this episode are as follows: A presentation on Paraquat shows how the chemically treated marijuana makes its way into the U. Richard Dreyfuss performs Hamlet for his opening monologue after John Belushi taunts him over his Best Actor Oscar, but ends up in a fight with John instead.
A man obsessed with a tower-like vision he had sees Beldar Conehead in a TV commercial and rushes to the Conehead household just as an emissary is arriving from Remulak. Dreyfuss tests viewers on their knowledge of sex. During the Weekend Update, Bill Murray heckles Richard Dreyfuss during his review of the Oscar winners, and Jane Curtain snaps at Roseanne Roseannadanna for getting sidetracked about rude bodily functions. Nick the lounge singer entertains couples at a honeymoon resort. David Susskind interviews celebrities together with their mothers.
Father Guido Sarducci gives the report on things at the Vatican. The skits for this episode are as follows: Richard Nixon asks viewers to please buy his book so they can kick it as much as they'd like to kick him. The Samurai TV repairman attempts to fix a customer's television by slicing it with his sword. During the Weekend Update, Jane Curtain and Dan Aykroyd start their debate by first debating over who gets to represent which side.
At the Olympia grill, Pete decides to get a guard dog, and promptly fires a very confused Nico to make room. Mike sings a song about baby ghouls. A stunt puppy fills in for the star dog when a movie scene calls for it to be beaten up. Leonard Plinth-Garnell reviews bad conceptual art. Tom Davis reveals that he and Al Franken are actually gay lovers. The skits for this episode are as follows: New York Mayor Ed Koch opens the show by awarding John Belushi a certificate of merit for his work in Animal House, but John is unimpressed by the gesture. An ad pitches Autoscent, a perfume to put in the engine of your car.
Tom Snyder interviews Mick Jagger for the Tomorrow show and talks with him about dancing, barbecues and wearing women's clothing. A repairman with sagging pants comes to the Loopner's house to fix the refrigerator while Todd and Lisa are discussing their homework. President Carter attempts to negotiate a peace treaty between the Beatles.
The Battle of the Network T's and A's puts large-breasted actresses in sports events. The skits for this episode are as follows: The opening act is interrupted by a honker in the audience. Aging stuntman Cliff Preston attempts to do his job but doesn't move as fast as he used to. During the Weekend Update, Dan Aykroyd rants about the NFL's new cheerleader uniforms, paying particular attention to the disgusting ways in which the outfits are designed to arouse male viewers.
Mainway toys again attempts to defend the quality of its products. Bill visits New York only to get ripped apart by an escalator and dropped from the top of the Empire State Building. A new store, The Scotch Boutique, sells nothing but tape, and is having a hard time staying in business. Devo performs "Satisfaction" and "Jocko Homo".
Frank Zappa The host and musical guest for the episode is Frank Zappa his second appearance, the first as host. The skits for this episode are as follows: NBC President Fred Silverman opens the show by announcing that all of their viewer research indicates that everyone wants to see more Frank Zappa, so the network is signing Zappa to an extended TV contract. Zappa performs "Dancing Fool" for his opening monologue and picks up a member of the audience to go home with. Connie Conehead has a date with Frank Zappa, so Beldar helps to entertain while Connie gets ready to go out.
Bill moves into his new home, but is soon mangled by Sluggo and Mr. Frank Zappa performs "Meek" and "Rollo". The skits for this episode are as follows: Desperate after his austerity measures have failed to halt inflation, President Carter attempts to encourage Americans to welcome inflation as a wonderful new opportunity to be a millionaire.
Despite Elvis' death, his coat continues to perform the King's classic hits to packed audiences. Theodoric of York treats his patients with bleeding and other crude remedies. The Festrunk brothers continue trying to pick up swinging American girls. Jane Curtain interviews the author of the book "Mauled", who talks of his experiences being savagely attacked by bears. Steve Martin apologizes to the audience when the final skit has to be cut short because of time restrictions. Van Morrison performs "Wavelength" and "Kingdom Hall". The skits for this episode are as follows: Candidate Hunkler discusses his campaign strategy, particularly which pitfalls he needs to avoid.
Buck Henry's opening monologue is replaced with previews for Star Wars. A spokesman for the Rovco Ranch invites customers to raise their own fur animals. The samurai optometrist fits a customer for a new pair of glasses. A couple leaves their two young girls with Uncle Roy, a pedophile who has the girls play various games for his amusement.
Nick the lounge singer performs for tourists at a bar in Vegas. Joan Face interviews Dr. Ike Badenza about the new Australian flu that's heading our way. Chico Escuela appears at the St. Mickey's Knights of Columbus. The skits for this episode are as follows: During her opening monologue, Carrie Fisher is instructed by Obi-Wan to tell a joke about aliens that completely bombs.
Princess Leia arrives on Earth and joins a beach party with Frankie and Annette. Two boys show up for their dates with the Loud family sisters, only to be taken aback at how loud everyone speaks. Two orderlies take it upon themselves to release a dying patient from her misery, but get the wrong bed by mistake. Father Guido Sarducci answers allegations that the Vatican Bank is becoming a tax haven, and Roseanne Roseannadanna rants about smoking and naked people in health clubs. Bill goes fishing with Mr.
Hands but ends up getting speared with hooks and eaten by a dolphin. At a waterfront dive in Marseilles, while the other bar girls try to get the sailors to buy expensive drinks, one gets them to sign up for insurance policies. Walter Matthau The host for the episode is Walter Matthau, but there was no musical guest. The skits for this episode are as follows: NBC President Fred Silverman wonders aloud about what needs to be done to pick up the network's failing ratings.
An ad for Epoxy-Dent claims the denture adhesive is strong enough to let you hold onto a helicopter with your teeth. The coach of the Bad News Bees gives his team some advice on life after one of them is caught buzzing off. At the Olympia grill, a Coca-Cola sales rep tries to get the place to switch from Pepsi, while several customers are grossed out by the cook's insect-killing technique. Nixon gets together with one of his old conspirators to talk about staging a comeback. Connie Carson interviews new teen idol Vanessa Lake. Garrett Morris sings "Della Sua Pace".
Spot gets set on fire while Mr. Bill is still trying to get ready for his show. The skits for this episode are as follows: The telepsychic takes questions from callers about the future, giving each one the same answer. Julia Child demonstrates how to prepare a roast chicken and proceeds to slice her hand open and bleed to death in the studio. A game show host explains the convoluted rules of the show using sound effects.
During the Weekend Update, Jane Curtain reports on serial killers, Christmas shopping and the Nobel Peace Prize, Bill Murray interviews Valerie Harper who claims her show was canceled because of anti-Semitism, after which Jane proposes a grass-roots movement to build support for ERA by withholding oral sex. Father Guido Sarducci relates his experiences at a nude wrestling club. A studio manager is waiting for a drugged-out punk rocker to show up for a recording while her handlers try to keep everyone patient and high.
Joan Face interviews Irwin Mainway regarding the shoddy and dangerous products his company makes. Apache chief Cochise attends a rhetoric class at Oxford where he gets frustrated with the inanity of the professor's lecture. The skits for this episode are as follows: President Carter appears with his daughter Amy for an event on the White House lawn.
Rovco presents their new all-flammable Christmas tree. The Widette family, who all have enormous backsides, prepare for dinner at home. During the Weekend Update, the reports include Beethoven's birthday, human rights abuses in Iran, and Cleveland's default, while Laraine Newman interviews the owner of Studio 54, Jane Curtain and Dan Aykroyd debate relations with China, and Roseanne Roseannadanna gives advice about beating depression during the holidays that ends up making Jane sick. An interviewer talks with a down-on-his-luck man who came to New York from Tacoma to help make his holiday better.
Honker starts selling Christmas trees when the owner o the lot steps out for a minute. The skits for this episode are as follows: President Carter delivers his State of the Union address despite his painful hemorrhoids, but the speech is peppered with references to the affliction.
Lisa Loopner has another piano lesson with her lecherous teacher, Mr. A discussion panel looks at the topic of what would have happened if Superman had landed in Nazi Germany instead of the United States. Bill gets called in to court, where he is pounded with a gavel, sees his mother and dog torn apart, and ends up strapped to the electric chair. The skits for this episode are as follows: Jane and Gilda run in panic when John comes on the set, thinking he's going to throw a tantrum after learning that his Deng Xiaoping act has been cut.
Before Cicely Tyson can give her opening monologue, Garrett Morris comes out dressed as her because he think he's supposed to play all black roles, leading Cicely to berate him for throwing his talent away on degrading parts.
Elvis Presley's coat continues to perform to sell-out crowds after its owner's death. The Widettes meet up with another family with similarly large backsides. Receptionist Sherry is now working for the Shah, where she keeps all his visitors waiting. The frontier midwife delivers a baby in front of a room full of men. Nick the lounge singer performs on an auto-train bound for Florida. Garrett invites Cicely to talk about the lack of positive perceptions regarding black characters and black actors, and Cicely blindsides him by blaming it on the poor behavior of black men.
The X-police burst in on a pair of women they think are lesbians and proceed to beat them up. Cicely performs a selection of songs about Sicily. The skits for this episode are as follows: Radio DJ Dick Lanky takes a variety of phone calls from listeners and tries to find out if astronaut Frank Borman flies for Eastern Airlines. Ricky Nelson joins Dolly Parton and Bob Marley for a benefit concert to raise money for yeast infection research, but punk rocker Candy Slice shows up drunkenly incoherent.
During the Weekend Update, Chico Escuela gives the sports report. An art segment takes a look at the years Picasso spent in New York. The skits for this episode are as follows: Network president Fred Silverman appears on Charlie's Angels where he reveals that he's a covert operative for ABC who has been deliberately sabotaging the network with terrible programming decisions, and then shares his plans with the angels for further damaging NBC's remaining popular shows. During Kate Jackson's monologue, she mentions that she used to be an NBC studio tour guide, and is then interrupted by a tour group passing through the studio.
Fred Silverman reveals his new programming line-up, which includes giving more prime-time slots to McLean Stevenson and Tom Snyder, and having Rip Taylor anchor the evening news. Andy Kaufman yodels while playing the bongos. When Kate tells Fred Silverman how dedicated and idealistic the rest of the SNL cast is, and how their principles are inspiring her to do more than just lowest-common-denominator television, Fred slaps her to bring her back to reality.
Leonard Plinth-Garnell reviews bad cabaret for children. Bill takes up exercise, but gets pounded by his trainer, Sluggo. The Coneheads go to the movies, but Beldar freaks out after another moviegoer passes him a joint. The skits for this episode are as follows: When John Belushi is peeved that Gary Busey has been nominated for an Oscar, Gary tries to make amends. During his opening monologue, Gary performs a percussion solo, using his body as the drum kit. President Carter reluctantly agrees to his mother's request to take Billy along to the Middle East, where the first brother still manages to cause a mess.
A group of guys in leisure suits discuss their solutions to various women's issues. During the Weekend Update, Jane Curtain reports on the Mid-East peace talks, the Voyager spacecraft, and seal hunting in Canada, while Bill Murray tries with little success to interview the widow of Mr. Honker dreams of someday getting the chance to perform Shakespeare.
Patrick's Day, where Mayor Daley's ghost is supposed to reappear. Margot Kidder's opening monologue is interrupted by technical difficulties when the entire camera crew gets completely drunk. An ad for the navy shows sailors scrubbing floors, working in the mess hall and sitting around watching TV. A female bank executive on a business trip finds that her company has arranged for a male prostitute to spend the night with her. Superman and Lois Lane, now married, are having a party, but when Superman changes into Clark Kent, Lois confesses to him that she's been unfaithful.
Al Franken complains that his face and name are being used to sell FrankenBerry cereal, and then tries to drum up sympathy for a sick homeless man. A group of women discuss the problems with men. Bill tries to hide when Mr. Hands comes to take him bowling, but he ends up getting crushed under a bowling ball. The skits for this episode are as follows: At Two Mile Island Nuclear Power plant, a worker accidentally spills a soft drink on the control panel, causing a massive leak of radiation.
When President Carter goes to investigate the situation, he insists that his background in nuclear engineering qualifies him to enter the reactor chamber, exposing him to a dose of radiation that causes him to grow to nearly one hundred feet tall. Todd DiLaMuca borrows his older brother's apartment in the hopes of putting the moves on Lisa Loopner. Other skits include a scene at a Scottish restaurant and a 'Bird for All Seasons', as well as a re-run of the Little Chocolate Donuts advertisement. The skits for this episode are as follows: The men of the cast open by performing the intro from Milton Berle's old Texaco Star Theater program.
Joan Face interviews Irving Mainway, who attempts to defend the attractions at his new theme park, including getting stuffed in a burlap sack and thrown in a lake, riding a shopping cart down into a gravel pit, and playing in a lot full of abandoned refrigerators.
The skits for this episode are as follows: Fred Silverman defends the programming decisions he's made over the past year and announces that he's picking Gary Coleman to be his new Executive Vice President. During the Weekend Update, Jane Curtain reports on President Carter's gasoline rationing plan and the loss of Skylab, then gets snapped at by an angry Margaret Thatcher, Bill Murray reports on Chico Escuela's failed attempt at a return to Major League Baseball, and Father Guido Sarducci discusses an unexplained object in the sky as well as his plans to start a Shrine-mobile service.
Tom Snyder talks about his mother on the Tomorrow Show. Bill attempts to run away, but Mr. Hands finds him and soon crushes Mr. Bill and Spot in his car. The skits for this episode are as follows: Ray the telepsychic answers questions from callers to his cable TV show and gives advice on home repairs, marital infidelity and lost relatives. An ad for the navy presents some of the less glamorous jobs it entails.
Idi Amin shows up as someone's house guest. A Roach brothel attracts insects even better than a roach motel. Nick the lounge singer performs at the TransEastern. Dolly Parton speaks to a group of Veterans of Foreign Hairdos. Bill and Spot get beaten and abused by Mr. Hands and Sluggo. When Jane Curtain throws a tantrum in the control room because she's been passed over yet again to announce the show, John Belushi offers his support, but then steals the line out from under her.
For his opening monologue, Buck Henry introduces some members of the audience who are taking part in an experiment to judge the quality of the show: as they gain or lose interest, the screen will shrink or grow in size. As Buck tries to engage the audience in intelligent matters, the picture soon begins to disappear, so he quickly switches to talking about sex.
An entrepreneur combines three fun activities with his roller disco fishing park. The samurai baker provides a frantic man with a last-minute wedding cake. After watching the film Blind Ambition, Nixon tries to explain to his family that everything on the tapes was taken out of context because he and his staff were just joking around. During the Weekend Update, Jane Curtain and Bill Murray report on the aftermath of the Three Mile Island accident, NBC's new logo design, and the recent Canadian elections, Garrett Morris comments on the racial overtones of a recent Rolling Stones song, and Roseanne Roseannadanna starts talking about the gas shortage but wanders into a story about Jane's behavior at the beach.
Uncle Roy shows up to babysit and convinces the girls to tie him up and stuff their socks in his mouth. The Olympia diner has burned down, but the owner is hoping to make a profit from the insurance payment. Joan Face interviews a pair of transsexuals who donated the necessary parts to each other.
For the closing, Michael O'Donoghue does an impersonation of Elvis with needles through his eyes. Bette Midler performs "Married Men" and "Martha". The skits for this episode are as follows: The Pope makes an appearance at the Monsterdome, where his security staff has to keep the religious hangers-on from crashing the event. For his opening monologue, Steve Martin talks about his new fashion job, then gets angry at the band when they start an unexpected song.
An ad pitches the benefits of Craig's Travelers Checks. A Roman Centurion faces a tribe of vandals who egg the soldiers, TP the camp, and have pizzas delivered to the general's tent. Steve pitches a product that allows him to hover over dirty toilet seats. Don Kirshner presents another great moment in rock history: Carol King performing "You've Got a Friend" while her friend is being mugged outside her apartment. Bill tries to do a show without Mr. Hands, but his ex-partner crashes the show anyway. Two tourists stare in amazement at the audience, wondering 'what is that thing?
The skits for this episode are as follows: A doctor and Lorne Michaels argue over whether Eric Idle is too sick or not to do the show, while Buck Henry keeps pleading to be allowed to host again. For his opening monologue, Eric performs a series of impersonations from a hospital stretcher.
Art dealer Tom Clay pitches motel room art as the masterpieces of tomorrow.
A customer at a shop just wants to buy some shoes but the clerk keeps complicating matters. Prince Charles talks about how to pick up girls. During the Weekend Update, Jane Curtain and Bill Murray report on rumors of Premier Brezhnev's death, an election for US President held in London, and some unpopular comments by Princess Margaret about the Irish, while Roseanne Roseannadanna comments on high mortgage rates but ends up talking about bathroom habits at French restaurants.
Andy Kaufman challenges women in the audience to a wrestling match. Psychic Dorothy Haagen hosts at advice show where people can tell their problems to Elvis. The skits for this episode are as follows: Ted Kennedy makes an announcement regarding his candidacy for President. Nick the lounge singer performs at the Borealis. Bill tries to avoid getting hurt by staying at home, but Mr. Hands finds him anyway. Joe Garagiola does an ad for Chrysler cars. The skits for this episode are as follows: The cast members start grumbling over Buck Henry hosting the show yet again.
During his opening monologue, Buck is oblivious to the hostility from the audience over his hosting again. In a parody ad, a woman tries in vain to get a guy to come to her apartment for a drink, and finally settles on Honker. Two young kids share tips on how to get their grandparents to give them money.
A couple on their way to the hospital use Speci-Paks to save necessary severed body parts. A father who can only use the toilet in his home drives recklessly to get back to the house. The skits for this episode are as follows: After giving a speech, Ronald Regan has all his makeup removed as he gets ready for a long series of naps in between each of his press appearances for the day. An ad pitches Spud Beer, a beer made from potatoes for people who have lost their sense of taste following electroshock therapy.
Franken conducts experiments that mainly involve tearing apart cockroaches. Tom Clay of SaveCo offers viewers great deals on products that had to be rejected from stores for failing government safety inspections.
Bill attempts to build a house for himself and Spot, but Mr. Hands and Sluggo smash him to pieces. The skits for this episode are as follows: An Arabic family moves to a wealthy neighborhood in southern California to become the Bel Arabs. During the Weekend Update, Jane Curtain reports on Ted Kennedy's relationship with his wife, the worsening oil crisis, Steve McQueen's high salary demands and the deadly riot at a Who concert, Chico Escuela reports on the sports news while bemoaning his recent accusation of having impregnated a teenage girl, and Al Franken lauds the end of the Me Decade, hoping the 80's will become the 'Al Franken' decade.
The skits for this episode are as follows: A little girl keeps finding increasingly scary things hiding in her bedroom, but her parents explain away each one of them and yell for her to go to sleep. During the Weekend Update, Jane Curtain reports on the Reagan election campaign, Canadian PM Joe Clark's political troubles, the health risks of late-pregnancy sex, and an investigation into price-gouging by the oil companies, Bill Murray reviews new movie releases, panning films made by recent SNL alumni.
Other skits include striking teachers, first love, criminals, and a revision of Freudian theory. The skits for this episode are as follows: The Shah of Iran opens the show with a Christmas greeting for everyone. A secretary goes before the company grievance board to complain about the blatant sexual harassment her boss has been subjecting her to.
New York policeman Bob Kopp offers some Christmas advice for everyone to watch their belongings, keep an eye on their wallets, get out of the way and mind their own business if they know what's good for them. A man almost throws his life away on a coffee addiction, but gets help by checking into rehab at Maxwell House.
Andy Kaufman tries his hand at wrestling women again. The skits for this episode are as follows: Father Guido Sarducci attempts to get an interview with Paul McCartney following his arrest in Japan for marijuana possession, but is unsuccessful. During the Iowa primaries, the candidates try to win the favor of Iowa voters by showing up at their houses and doing chores for them.
During the Weekend Update, Al Franken repeats his hope that the 80's will be the Franken Decade, and unveils the Franken decade medallion. Lady Plinth-Garnell reviews bad theater. Hands the psychiatrist tries to help Mr. Bill by having him re-live some of his past traumas.
The skits for this episode are as follows: Henry Kissenger visits with former president Ford and reminisces on old times together. An ad invites diners to come to Pre-chewed Charlie's restaurant, where the food is easier to eat because all the hard chewing work has already been done for you. Blackwell, the life of Hollywood's forgotten director Linden Palmer, and a segment about Honduras.
The skits for this episode are as follows: Father Guido Sarducci waits for former president Nixon to show up for an interview, but he never does. An ad for Jewess jeans pitches designer jeans made especially for Jewish women. During the presidential debates, one of the candidates sends a substitute in his place. While recording ads for Gallo wine, Orson Welles keeps flubbing his closing line. The skits for this episode are as follows: Gilda Radner brings her mother backstage to meet Kirk Douglas, but they are shocked to discover he's only four feet tall. For his opening monologue, Kirk reminisces about performing on stage in New York, then talks about his grandchildren and introduces his young god-daughter.
A panel discusses the possibilities of Spartacus' personal life. A team of dentists is shrunken down to microscopic size to do hands-on work on Anwar Sadat's teeth. During the Weekend Update, an ad for Ronald Reagan's campaign showcases the actor's sense of humor, while Al Franken insists on reinstating the draft so he won't have to serve. Nick the lounge singer gives a drunken performance at a bar mitzvah.
Tom Snyder invites the brothers of the presidential candidates for a group interview. Kirk does impersonations of Kirk Douglas impersonators. A lavatory attendant asks Kirk for an autograph while he's using the facilities. Geils Band. The skits for this episode are as follows: Rodney Dangerfield tries to get ready for the show but finds that Father Guido Sarducci is using his dressing room to sleep in.
During his opening monologue, Rodney discusses the lack of respect he gets in his sex life and his childhood. At a sperm bank, all the customers want their children fathered by Rodney, but the donor is having a hard time keeping up with demand. A substitute judge takes over a courtroom for a day, but finds that everyone is more interested in tricking him into letting them goof off. The J. Geils Band performs "Love Stinks" and "Sanctuary". Bill Murray sings about how much he loves living in New York. The Horizon Television advertises itself as the biggest TV ever, though the screen is still just 12 inches.
Sean the Leprechaun keeps getting caught by treasure-seekers because he's as big as a regular person. Todd DiLaMuca attempts to run for class president, but a smear campaign by his rival derails his hopes. During the Weekend Update, Bill Murray reports on the Ayatollah's hat-buying habits, Jane Curtain reports a false story about Walter Cronkite in the hopes of getting a date with him, and Roseanna Roseannadanna starts talking about breastfeeding but gets sidetracked about Bo Derek's nose hair.
The Minstrels of Newcastle prepare for a performance but the drummer cant get the beat right. David Sanborn performs "Anything You Want". Paula Prentiss begins her opening monologue, only to be confronted by Richard Benjamin, who is upset that his monologue was cut.
A husband has an affair with another woman in a hotel room, but becomes overwhelmed with fear and guilt at the thought of his wife finding out. Helens and the results of the census, Bill Murray reports on Dan Rather going undercover in Afghanistan and George Bush reverting to his CIA training during a speech, and Al Franken explains how he cheats on his taxes. An assertiveness training instructor teaches her students how to stand up for themselves.
A group of neighbors are joined together by their love of Joey Bishop. The skits for this episode are as follows: Despite setbacks before the show, Burt Reynolds remains in good spirits. Parents let Burt know that they're happy to have him sleep with their daughters. A swinger in ancient Rome picks up women purging themselves at a vomitorium. Baba Wawa does an interview with Marlon Brando, but the actor is only interested in stuffing his face. The skits for this episode are as follows: Rosalyn Carter talks about sections of the census intended for illegal aliens, including questions about how they got into the US, where they would hide if the INS came to their homes, and how much they would be willing to do housework for.
During his opening monologue, Strother Martin reveals that he was asked to host the show because Lorne Michaels mistook him for Tennessee Williams, and so far he's been keeping up the act.
At Camp Beau Soleil, the campers are forced to learn French by the brutal camp counselor, Le Capitain, but a camper named Luke is determined to escape. The skits for this episode are as follows: A civil war officer talking to his men before they go off to battle makes a number of promises that are unlikely to be kept. Bill gets sent to jail, where he gets beaten and torn apart by the other inmates and Mr. The skits for this episode are as follows: Father Guido Sarducci tries to get an interview with Paul McCartney in London following Paul's arrest in Japan, but he gets confused over the time difference and schedules the interview for the wrong time.
For his opening monologue, Steve Martin talks about what he believes in. A group of prehistoric hominids discusses the day's hunt, but the leader gets angry when a strange one starts coming up with new ideas that challenge his authority. Father Guido Sarducci finally manages to wake up Paul and Linda McCartney, who agree do give an interview despite the fact that it's five in the morning and Sarducci only wants to talk about marijuana. An advertisement pitches Patty Caldwell's new album targeted at single women in their late 30's. The skits for this episode are as follows: During his opening monologue, Buck Henry announces that the Saturday Night Live cast will be leaving after this episode, and then introduces a team of second-rate hacks and imitators that will supposedly by taking over in the next season.
Uncle Roy returns to get his kicks while babysitting young Terri and Tracy. Nick the lounge singer gives a performance at the Lava Club. The skits for this episode are as follows: Elliott Gould wakes up in bed with the rest of the cast, and tells them what it was like working with the old SNL team. For his opening monologue, Eliott starts showing some of his old underwear to the audience, and ends up trading lingerie with Denny Dillon. To help educate Americans in their cars, a new program puts works of classic literature on billboards along the highways. After President Carter loses the election, Rosalyn tells him that now he's free to do whatever he wants.
A couple receives a singing billy-gram from the woman's disapproving parents. A topless spokeswoman for the American Cancer Association demonstrates how to self-examine for breast cancer. During the Weekend Update, Charles Rocket reports on Ronald Reagan's planned appointments to his cabinet and proposed budget measures, Gail Matthius tries to inform John Anderson that he lost the election, and Ron Grosscup explains his theory that Reagan actually died several months earlier and has been replaced with a stand-in.
For the Rocket Report, Charles attempts to get an interview with John Lennon, but instead starts investigating the state of trash collection in the neighborhood. A sergeant explains some of the new training measures being adopted now that homosexuals are allowed in the military. A stockbroker in his forties awkwardly tries to have a date with a teen-age valley girl. As a complement to speed reading, a new education service offers viewers the chance to learn speed listening.
Kid Creole and the Coconuts perform "Mister Softee".
The skits for this episode are as follows: mother nags at her son to sit up straight as he's strapped into the electric chair. A nature program searches through urban America for the elusive black republican. A spokesman for American tobacco growers explains that lung cancer is actually caused by the lungs themselves, and not by smoking. Two British nobles develop the sport of serf-riding. A dominatrix delivers the leather weather report, using her shackled slave as the map. Two hunters are eager for the opening day of Commie hunting season.
For the Rocket Report, Charles tries to interview passers-by on Fifth Avenue, but nobody is eager to talk with him and answer his awkward questions. A wine connoisseur recommends American wines that go well with American foods. The skits for this episode are as follows: David Rockefeller comes on to announce that the United States will be going co-op. Ellen Burstyn takes a look back at the film roles she's done and announces she's going to start doing lighter roles. A spokesman for the Ed McMahon school of laughing offers to teach people how to laugh like Ed.
Ellen gets interviewed by Pinkie and Leo Waxman. Jersey Man Paulie Herman records a video for a dating service. Zuko explains that female orgasm is just a myth. A film highlights Pepe Gonzalez, the only bullfighter in New York. Valley girls Vickie and Debbie pay a visit to Planned Parenthood. Demento music video demonstrates the many uses for fish heads. The skits for this episode are as follows: The Mean Majority explain how things are going to change now that their man has won the presidency.
For her opening monologue, Jamie Lee Curtis obliges the audience by screaming in terror. Over the course of the show, Brooke Shields gives three vacuous endorsements for Clovin Hind jeans. Jersey Guy Paulie Herman encounters a three-card monte dealer on the street. Two poetesses make their work famous by the only means available to them: committing suicide on live television. A public service announcement warns viewers of the dangers of playing poker while high on pot. Members of the Badgers Club get together to celebrate berating random people and insulting their waitress.
An aspiring photographer plots to blow up the Statue of Liberty so he can take an award-winning photo. The skits for this episode are as follows: Joe Piscopo tries out his voice to become the next SNL announcer, but Don Pardo quickly quashes his hopes. A gun shop invites customers to come by for their last-minute Christmas shopping. Caine, the traveling kung-fu master, gets some fashion advice from the owner of a menswear shop. Valley girls Vickie and Debbie go down to the mall to try and impress some boys. Bob Dylan goes to visit Woody Guthrie in the hospital, where the two converse only in folk-song lyrics.
An NBC executive stages a worldwide search for a virgin. David extols the virtues of Dopenhagen smokeless marijuana. Bill reflects on some of his more painful holiday memories. Caine teams up with Bruce Lee for a holiday special. Linda Rondstadt and the cast of Pirates of Penzance perform a medley of songs from the musical, as well as a medley of holiday songs.
The skits for this episode are as follows: Jimmy the Weasel tells the truth and gets a bullet for his troubles. A special translator is called in when a WASP tries to express emotion. Valley girls Vickie and Debbie head down to a new wave club where they meet punk rocker Tommy Torture. A despondent Jimmy Carter drowns his sorrows at a bar as Reagan's inauguration looms closer. During the Weekend Update, Eddie Murphy asks that the draft board pass him over in favor of Garrett Morris, since Garrett is now out of work.
A horror movie features people being attacked by smile faces. A salesman approaches childless couples in the park and offers to sell them black market white babies. Eddie Murphy does a stand-up routine about insult contests popular in black neighborhoods. The skits for this episode are as follows: During the Carters' last days in the White House, Rosalyn instructs Jimmy and Amy to take away everything they can carry. A music company pitches an album of classical works that inspired the hit songs of today. A foundation to help the tragically hip solicits donations.
Game show host Phil Lively meets his new neighbors. For the Rocket Report, Charles Rocket interviews a daredevil cab driver. A museum guard confesses to the Mona Lisa that he has to break off their relationship. Dan Rather leads an investigation into why there are no female reporters at CBS. A stroke victim attempts to communicate with his visitors at the hospital, but fails. Karen Black gets interviewed by Pinkie and Leo Waxman, but can't keep up with their constantly shifting topics. To let people know that 'guns don't kill people, people kill people', the National Handgun Association presents a demonstration of a criminal using a black man to mug people.
The skits for this episode are as follows: Ted Koppel announces that now that the hostages are safely back from Iran, NBC News will continue to harass their families as they count the former hostages' days out of captivity. For his opening monologue, Robert Hays notes that NBC will be using a new instant Neilsen Rating system to let everyone know how popular the show is, then is forced to start ad-libbing provocative topics to get the ratings back up.
Please support our local stalls by purchasing food and drink at the event. No outside alcohol allowed. Book: www. After that tickets will only be available on the door unless we sell out today. To guarantee entry get your tickets today! They will be on stage around 9pm. They played KendalCalling , shambalafest , and The greenmanfest last year.
Grab a ticket to see this amazing local band before they get too big! All day tickets now include the evening of live music 11am to 10pm. You will get a wristband on entry so can come and go as you please. On Saturday we will have plenty of food and drink to keep you going! Please support these small local business by not bringing in outside food or drink. Book direct: www. Just show your travel ticket or your bike! The weather is looking good, so why not do your bit for the environment whilst making the most of the Swansea sunshine.
You could try out of the new santandercyclesswansea bikes? If you really really have to drive and there are a few of you, consider bundling into one car; will be much quicker to park, and you will be doing your bit for the environment too! Now, we wonder if they will discuss when Wynne completed our muddy assault course here at ClyneFarmCentre?! The secret is out of the bag! Article in tonight's Evening Post. Wonder how we will compare to Buckingham Palace? Come along and find out! Calling all caffeine addicts!
Don't worry you will get your fix on Saturday! We are pleased to support the lovely Luke, a 2nd year Swansea University student. He will be bringing his very cool converted Smart Car to the day session of return journey I'm not sure. The next Monday, Claudia listens to the radio all day to hear the announcement of the winner -- even during a BSC meeting! Oh, the horror! Then the radio announces that Claudia's won the contest. They all celebrate by eating cupcakes. Fucking Claudia books always make me hungry.
At dinner, Claudia tells her family that she's going to be on the radio. Her mother's is concerned that it'll cut into her homework time, because she's yet to realise that Claudia is a lost cause. All Mr. Kishi wants to know is if she'll be paid. But Janine? Janine rushes into the kitchen, comes back with a bottle of ginger ale and four wine glasses, and toasts Claudia's success. Seriously, Janine, you are just the cutest thing ever. Her reaction nearly makes Claudia cry.
God, I love it when those two stop their we're-so-different bullshit and act all sisterly and nice. Suddenly, Claud doesn't feel so good about getting her own radio show. She concedes that she doesn't have any ideas for the show, which is just what I said would happen, didn't I? Luckily she's Claudia, so she'll think of something. After school the next day, Charlie gives her and the rest of the BSC, for some reason a ride to the station.
Naww, Charlie, you are simply the greatest. Claudia thanks Charlie by telling us all that his car is a hunk of shit, which sure sounds like a whole lotta judgement coming from a whole lotta license-less. At the radio station, Kristy goes in with Claudia because this is somehow her business. In the studio, Mr. Bullock the station manager introduces Claudia to her assistant, who is the second-place-getter in the competition. And guess who it is?
Dawn, there is something really wrong with you. I hate her spelling mistakes so much, though. Todd DiLaMuca borrows his older brother's apartment in the hopes of putting the moves on Lisa Loopner. Desi Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr. Bette Midler performs "Married Men" and "Martha". Before a piano competition, to rival pianists break each other's fingers. A man named Cooter has his life officially recognized as a Tennessee Williams one-act play.
Ashley Wyeth , the oh-so-talented artiste! Ashley Wyeth, who tried to turn Claudia against all her friends. Well, that's how Claud tells it. Claudia finds it weird that Ashley's wearing "normal" clothes, because before it used to be peasant dresses and combat boots all the way with her. Bullock shows them all around, and Claudia starts to get really excited.
Next, the girls meet Bob, an intern who's going to help them run the show. He has a beard and is poor from being a college student, hence the beard, I guess. He tells them that they need to come up with a title and a format for their show, then leaves them to their own devices. Claud and Ashley, while being civil to each other, pretty much pooh-pooh each other's ideas nonstop. Claudia wants to call the show For Kids Only, but Ashley thinks having the word 'kid' in the title is patronising. Claud makes me laugh out loud by saying, " Patronizing?
You patronize places , right? Restaurants and stores?
I had no idea what she was talking about. You may, in fact, be legally retarded. The next day, Ashley and Claudia are at the station again, still arguing. Claudia decides to focus on the format, then suggest a call-in show. Ashley doesn't mind the idea, but fears that kids will ring in with stupid bullshit. Because they're kids, and that's what they do.
Claud calls this " the Alan Gray factor. They finally decide to give each of their shows a theme, and have kid guests. Mary Anne and Kristy then show up, inexplicably, to crash the party, and act like total bitches to Ashley. They finally come up with a format, which Claudia writes down, so it ends up being "Four Kids Only". Don't worry, folks, it's only a " working titel. Kristy goes off on a tangent about how the BSC can do a play. Fuck no, Kristy. I will burn this book down before I let you do that.
Burn it down to the motherfucking ground. Claudia politely tells her that she has to audition like everyone else, and Ashley interrupts by asking for a pen so she can correct all of Claud's atrocious spelling mistakes. Kristy yells at Ashley for calling Claudia atrocious, and Ashley rightfully argues back that she was referring to Claud's spelling. And she's totally fucking right, too. I wish more people would call her out on that shit. Mary Anne tells Ashley that correcting someone's spelling is not very nice?
Let me make it clear right now: I love this Ashley girl. The next day, the girls show their ideas to Bearded Bob, who's very impressed. He plays them some tapes of other radio shows to give them ideas, and Claudia "filled two pages with atrociously-spelled notes. Claudia's allowed to call her spelling atrocious, but when someone else does, it turns into a battle of honour and integrity? I hate all of these people. Bearded Bob tells them that they can do whatever they like, as long as it doesn't cost the station anything.
Because get this -- WSTO is close to broke. That's why they held the competition in the first place, because what's the solution to the global financial crisis? Free child labour. Claudia's first reaction is to worry about the station closing down, while Ashley's is to call them out about turning their hunt for unpaid staff members into a glamorous-sounding competition prize. Ashley rocks so hard.
Claudia opens the next chapter by telling us how determined Kristy is to be on the radio show. She claims to have only seen Kristy " like this " once before, but I call bullshit because she's talking about Kristy. Determination is one of her character traits, and if there's one thing I know about BSC character traits, it's that they don't only come up once in a blue moon. Basically, it sucks.
Sucks like nothing's ever sucked before, not even Stacey on a Friday night. Dawn says her lines in a monotone, Buddy uses fractured English, and Kristy shouts every second word. It's a disaster, like you knew it would be. Kristy even has the audacity to leave a message on Claudia's answering machine, saying that if Claud doesn't accept their audition tape, she'll submit it to another station.
Damn, Kristy, I was beginning to like you and everything. For reasons the world cannot yet explain, there are hundreds of auditionees, and Bearded Bob tells the girls, " You guys are the hottest thing in town! Among the radio hopefuls are Rosie Wilder, who plays the violin, Linny Papadakis, who sings 'A Whole New World', and a girl who can say anything backwards immediately.
Which is pretty awesome. Oh, and Pete Black gets a mention! He and Erica Blumberg propose a radio show called 'Bike Advice'. Dude, who knew Pete Black was a bikie? I bet he was wearing leather. Later that night, Ashley and Claudia discuss who's going to be on their show, and literally the only thing they agree on is that Kristy's play is shit. Claud rings Kristy to tell her, and Kristy just says that she'll make adjustments and show everyone up at the next round of auditions.
Because there are two rounds of auditions for this goddamn show. Ashley and Claud decide that their first show is going to be a friendship-themed one, and inexplicably choose Pete Black and Erica's 'Bike Advice' call-in show for that one. Also, Claudia spells it 'Peet', which makes my heart cry. Claudia, that is one name you're not allowed to spell wrong. Pete Black deserves some respect, dammit! There's also a weird little exchange where Ashley tries to explain the story behind Michael Jackson's 'Ben', and Claudia thinks it's gross.
I don't know why that's relevant to the story at all, but it's there, so I'm recapping it. It's the day of the first radio show, and we have a Claudia outfit! Kishi gets the afternoon off work to drive her to the station, and then tells her that he's proud of her. Claudia's heart is practically bursting, because her father doesn't tell her that very often.
Because it's not every day you see a thirteen-year-old girl in a tuxedo? They finally get into the booth and on the air, and Claudia's speech starts off badly because she's holding the paper upside-down. Hey Claudia, your legal retardation is showing. Eventually, Claud sorts her shit out, and "as I continued speaking, Ashley's frisbees slowly shrank.
Ashley's frisbees? The fuck does that mean? It sounds like slang for testicles. I think Ashley's frisbees are supposed to be her eyes, but still, that sentence is crazy. The show goes on without a hitch, although I notice that Pete Black does not feature. My once-high hopes are crashing down, like Ashley's incredible shrinking frisbees.
Anyway, the rest of the show goes off without a hitch. At the end, Claudia does a little editorial about the importance of friendship, and mentions a "friend" who's no longer her friend, and how much she misses her. Naww, Stacey drama! The best kind of drama! The show is a success! Bearded Bob is practically jumping up and down, and the execs are all high-fiving one another. Best zero dollars you guys ever spent, huh? Oh wait, no. We have a chapter whereby Mallory babysits, and Kristy shamelessly tries to squeeze any and all talent out of the Pikes so she can be on Claud's radio show.
Really, K. Ron, that's stage-mom-in-training behaviour. No one is going to let you and your future wife adopt their child if you can't keep your crazy in check. Anyway, the Pikes are still all about the monster story Mal and Ben were acting out for them in the first chapter. This time Mal's the monster, because I guess Ben is off wrestling his baby from the jaws of a dingo, or playing knifey-spooney, or whatever Aussie stereotype Lerangis can cook up for him this week. Mallory tells Kristy that she doesn't want to be on the radio, so Kristy decides that she'll play the Oogy Boogy Monster.
Claire cries, " No! You can't do it like Mallory! Mal actually has to train Kristy on how to properly embody all the intricacies of the Oogy Boogy Monster, and then Kristy asks the Pikes if they want to try out for the radio show.