They get hundreds of emails, and a lady you may have met at the gym who is a 5, thinks she's a solid 8 online. In the last year alone, I've met 4 women who said they were divorced but were really separated all with really unique stories as to why their divorce wasn't final. Turns out, 3 of those 4 had family violence felonies pending against them! The 4th, I should have got up and walked out after she started talking.
Not only did she lie about the little things on her profile, like having a degree, her occupation, and marital status, but she was a solid 2 compared to her pictures. What did all the women I've met online have in common, a solid relationship with their phone. Now I call them out on the phone issue and I don't care what they think of me.
If you can't take 30 minutes or an hour and put your phone in your purse or leave it in your car like I do, then stay at home browsing, FB, POF, Match, Instagram, or whatever else is the in app. I think you're giving women far too much credit. Granted there are guys out there that are creeps and they probably never leave the house and use somebody else's pictures, but I'm willing to bet they're few and far between.
Well said! I see no reason that a decent looking woman has to resort to online dating , unless she is super busy which i beleive is a great alternative for a busy person.. Essentially playing the role of the opposite equivalents of their male trolls , jerks and perverts You know what I'm a nice guy who's romantic, successful, and respectful and I get passed by and ghosted once things start to get real.
I think women like the idea of a relationship but have horribly overblown expectations. The three things I keep coming across are women who have no time to commit, just broke up recently and shouldn't be dating or they think far too highly of their prospects. Close your eyes picture the perfect guy now open them. If you were that perfect guy would you settle for you? Having tried internet dating and meetup, I personally prefer "live and in person" approach to finding a match. Here is a point by point breakdown of the two different approaches.
Dating sites -spend a lot of time setting up a profile which you hope will convey my personality and attract interesting guys -answer some multiple choice questions with four answers, none of which actually work for me really, I have to choose between a. I just want sex b. I'm okay with sex on the second date c. I always wait for the third date before having sex d.
I'm a complete prude who will never ever ever have sex.? Hey, since I'm definitely not comfortable with the whole casual sex thing, I guess I must be a complete prude. Now I'm feeling really great about myself! Okay, I'm interested in guys within a km radius, between , looking for a relationship, between , doesn't smoke, between , is single, between Yeah, I got a bunch of "hey sexy! Look through some more profiles, send a few more messages.
Show up, and the evening starts off really nice This guy doesn't seem to get it that I'm not that into hearing ghost story after ghost story. Okay, now he's trying to talk me into going to some dark secluded area on a ghost hunt What female in her right mind goes to a dark, secluded area with a guy she's just met? Conclusion: The whole internet dating experience is highly unpleasant. Meetup groups -create a profile, upload one picture, answer a few questions about interests, and I'm good to go -okay, let's see what meet ups are happening in my area.
Join meet ups -pick an event that works with my schedule, show up for an evening of board games at a pub -have a nice meal out, play some fun games, meet some nice people. Hey, I didn't meet the love of my life, but at least I had some fun, right? Meet a nice guy, exchange emails Plus, meeting people in person just feels more natural. I've gotten to speak with a few women, but only have met one outside of the digital world and we found that we didn't really connect.
Which is my main problem thus far with the sites; lack of connection. I can think of plenty of reasons why women wouldn't respond to me, but for those who do, we just can't seem to connect. Eventually, we seem to run out of things to chat about, and the conversations die off. I want to approach women in the real world, but I get in my own way as a shy nerdy introvert who has a roommate read, doesn't have a private place to take a girl back to, if they were so inclined. It's a lie that there's someone out there for everyone.
After all, if that were true, there wouldn't be so many lonely people out there. Guess I need to just drop the sites and focus on trying to make myself happy in life without romance. Nature didn't takes it's course as it did over That just doesn't work, period. She can be however interested if you got a smooth talk and decent pictures. Most of the time a woman is not self aware of what she wants and gets bored with the chat because they thrive on emotion, unlike us men.
But in the end you need to be your own man in the real world and become the best version of yourself. Attraction is not a conscious choice, meaning a women can't control to who she is attracted to. Just take care of yourself, read self improvement books. Go buy "Mind lines" from Michael Hall and educate yourself to create a healthy view of the world and stay away from negative news and media. I've been on Plenty of fish, okCupid, and Zoosk since November. It is now April. On PoF, I got lots of views, but the only message was an offer to sell me drugs.
On okCupid, I didn't even get but a few views, and no messages at all. On Zoosk, I got lots of views and lots of winks, but only from guys out of the state, and again, no messages. On Zoosk and PoF, I even tried messaging guys first, but no responses. Almost all of friends married guys they met on these sites, but I have no idea how they did it. It's like you're describing my experience on the dating sites. I sit down, think of witty things to write to guys, and I get nothing back. One evening, I read like 10 profiles, made custom messages that I felt were well thought out.
This is on both OKCupid and Match. I do have one guy on OkCupid though who likes to send me dick pics He's finally blocked I've met my girlfriend on a dating site. But I've read literally hundreds of profiles, contacted dozens of women, went to a dozen of a really bad dates before I've found someone. The problem is you're messaging guys out of your league. Close your eyes and think of the perfect guy now open them. Would you as that perfect guy settle for you?
I'm not messaging guys out of my league. I don't want a guy that's super fit and looks like a movie star. I want a guy that I'm attracted to, but that I'll feel comfortable around. Eventually there would be sex, which won't happen if I'm too self-conscious or if I'm grossed out at the thought. So if I dream up my perfect man, he's going to be a little hefty, he's going to have a receding hairline and his face won't be clean shaven, he's going to wear comic book characters tshirts, he's also not going to be hugely successful, but he'll have his act together, he'll be well educated, and sarcastic, and a little bit dark, and if I were that guy, yeah, I'd date me because I'm pretty sure if I were a guy, this is the guy I'd be.
I think perhaps you're reflecting your own insecurities and prejudices on others. Kim, if you're not getting replies, you simply aren't attractive. I'm not being mean just being real. Don't kid yourself for the sake of saving your ego. I agree with you, Kim. It's the men who are delusional. I'm an average looking 35, slim but not gorgeous woman and I've had terrible luck online. Men DO assume that women have it made on dating sites, and we can just sit back and let the decent messages roll in. Not true. It's only the women who are under 30 and look like models who can do that.
I started online dating when I was 26 and a size 3. It didn't work for me much better than it does now. Men who look like George Costanza think they deserve Jessica Alba. And, will ONLY message the super hottest women out there. While we try to message guys in our own age range, with a similar level of looks and intelligence and get ignored. It's a waste of time and I am so done with it. There are some very interesting posts here.
For the ladies I would say I'm sorry that you have to put up with so many rude, insulting, crass men and their messages. Very unfortunate, but most likely the culmination of a cultural whirlwind that has swept over the land the last 50 years or so. I typically respond to messages from women that I have no interest in and do so in a polite manner, encouraging them to stick with it as it takes time to find the right person online.
However, I don't think the online dating model is productive, for all the reasons mentioned in the posts below. And to those that say that millions of people have met and married via online dating sites, I say prove it with hard data, not conclusory statements bereft of evidence. In my case, I've had several dates from these sites. The first gal profiled herself as She was Game over. The next gal was very nice and I had met her at a gym that we both were members several years back. Very attractive woman, but I was sure that I would be happy being with her every day for the rest of my life.
I could have continued into a relationship with her just for companionship and sex, but that's not who I am. I have to be convinced that I am falling in love with a woman, or could do so, before I am willing to fall into bed with her. Old school, I guess. That last gal messaged me relentlessly. She stated in her profile that she was "curvy"she was not, she was obese. Now here's the interesting thing. Like most other men here, I don't get a lot of message responses via online dating. But if I go out to meet women, I will get approached by fairly attractive women 20 years my junior, routinely.
For some reason, I don't get approached by women within 5 years of my age or unattractive women. I don't have to do any of the work. And again, they could end up being friends with benefits, if I were so inclined. But again, the issue is do I want to wake up to this woman every day for the rest of my life. So far, the answer has been no so no sexual activity occurs subsequently. I have thus concluded that real life, 3 dimensional contact is vastly superior to online dating if you are searching for a mate.
You get to examine the product up close and personal, and you're not confronted with them whipping out their photo album to show you 18 pics of them skiing, hang gliding, with their pets, their kids, grandchildren, or ex's. And conversation actually ensues without a question questionnaire. Best of all, you don't have to travel 30 miles to be disappointed. That's it I'm out of material for now. I met my guy. We have friends who met their partners on line If you havent met anyone after a few months then it is not the flaw of on line dating or the other gender. Why is it that many of the men or women behind those profiles you flip throgh have found success?
People ARE meeting in person.
YOU are the issue. You may be the greatest catch in the universe but YOU need to shake up your profile, message style, responses, etc. Dont just tweak a few variables but start afresh. Haha, isn't that funny, the guys profile needs to be shaken, as usual is the guys fault.
I have done online dating, for a good while, and met people, got some short relationships, out of it. One of the main issues are, a guy needs to send loads of emails to get very little replies from women. The other issue is due to women having to make nearly no effort, as are mainly the guys who contact them. So, all they need to do is look at the photos and choose, without even bother to read the emails, deleting them straight away. All because they think with so many guys contacting them, there's always a better one just about to appear!
The other issue, is how quick they are at labelling guys, any little thing he said she didn't like or goes how she thinks he should have approached her he is a creep a weirdo etc. Man, I totally feel you. But I think probably there is some other issue because I followed all the possible tips and i have never ever even thought about saying "ur hot" or stuff like that and I only met a girl who wanted to find a man to get a passport to stay in the country after several years.
As if they were so much more special that we have to go beyond the moon not to even get an answer, because their "emotional" brain I am sarcastic about both labels you in two seconds. I think it is really too simple for them at least too many of them and what does that say about their ability to approach real difficulties in relationships and life? Women dont send dick pics to guys.
That's why we are not creepy. If men didn't immediately make everything sexual they might have better luck. I never get guys that ask me about my interest or hobbies. A lot of the men are their own worst enemy. Guys rant in their profiles. They have few good clear photos or they choose photos with other women in there and dont crop them out.
Most guys put very little effort into their profiles and then they are shocked women aren't interested. A lot of men come across as bitter, self-absorbed, shallow, perverted, womanizer. They can be the nicest person but if they display any of those qualities they wont get the time of day. You know why men on dating sites are like that?
Because after weeks or months of sending deeply thought out, interesting messages to women with shared interests and trying to talk about those interests, only to get completely ignored or get a one line reply and then nothing, most of us realized there's just no point in wasting time. In fact, I found this article by googling "why do women never want to talk about common interests on dating sites", trying to figure out why this is the case.
From all my experience it seems clear to me that all women want are cheap thrills from a hot "bad guy" - nice, interesting guys with common interests don't tickle their libido so we get ignored. Women get some creepy comments but some nice comments too. Men get no responses and are wasting their time on money on these sites. Wise up. Men don't get responses because they have a failure to communicate and they don't type so how do you communicate when you don't type the internet bathing system requires one to know how to type and if you pack it gets boring waiting on someone to respond back to you.
Then again unfortunately there are so many women now that are either gay and or bi adding to the problem too.
As an internet busybody I hope to add my contribution to this awesome topic that has baffled the greatest and the not so great. The trend I see in most of the comments is Women siding with women and men siding with men, with few exceptions. Lots of people list personal anecdotes and use it it to generalise to what the real issue is. To me, after giving a lot of thought to this matter as a result of my own dating frustrations on Tinder, match , OK Cupid, and PoF.
I think the problem is a matter of choice. The ballooning of choice that internet dating has brought on now means we are no longer satisfied with our current options until our hands are forced. In the old days,people just met partners I. School, at church or at work and found a way to make it work. Now you have a seemingly unlimited supply of partners. Even when you find one that is good enough, the current societal conditioning not to settle for anything for the best, or 'the one' just means the search continues.
The 'top ' as in the most desirable of both sexes on these sites go on dates upon dates and most of them never quite find what they are looking for. Making us all a little more shallower as a whole. Also, the modern individual is a little more narcissistic than ever. This gives a lot of us a false sense of our worth as people. This leads most young men and women to casually date till they wake up in Late thirties and early forties with a sense of urgency to find somebody anybody. I do not know how we can solve the dating problem but it's a problem both sexes have.
PS : Even Ladies on bumble the pro-female dating app aren't having much luck either. I totally agree. Don't know why but it seams to be very logical. That's a lot of competition. And those guys that get picked don't have to settle at all, why would they? That's why women complain. They simply pick guys that they can't "afford".
Women and men do exactly the same thing, they drop less interesting people as soon as possible. The difference is such that women drop guys before they meet them, guys drop women after they have sex with them. It's the same outside the online world but on much smaller scale. The ugly The more attractive 50 stayed together not because they were never interested in opposite sexes, oh no, exactly opposite, they had very interesting encounters.
They are just cool and every woman wants them. So I just got this thought. Maybe the whole idea with monogamy is just an absurd? Maybe everything is all right but we are looking at it from wrong perspective? Maybe handsome guys should have many women and many kids and ugly guys should go to war and die? I've been on Plenty of Fish quite sometime and a few other dating websites, I'm a genuine guy, who will make an interest in reading and talking about interests. Yet get very few replies, but I have had people say I'm a good looking guy.
The biggest problem with dating websites, is ratio, there is more men then women on dating websites Go in chatroom's and you will see probably about men to every women in these chatrooms. Dating websites, is a bit like a competition at least it seems like that, where you're competing with everyone else. I set up an experiment once, just to see one of the reasons, why guys might struggle on these sites I set up a female profile, with permission using a female friends photo's. Within minutes of setting up the profile, creating a fake bio Within half an hour, that profile had an incredible 75 messages from different guys, most put no effort in their messages or asking for one thing.
Sadly if that's the case for a lot of girls getting so many messages, I can understand why so many of us guys struggle on these sites to get replies. Another thing is and I have noticed it on quite a few of these female profiles, is the unrealistic expectations certain women set themselves. In the process extremely limiting her picks and possibly excluding somebody who's a bit shorter that could be the best partner for her. We all have expectations but it's those unrealistic expectations sometimes that I think is another thing guys have to compete against and why these women are single themselves, the knight prince on horse back doesn't exist in real life.
He does exist. He comes to the village, impregnates all young women and goes away. To another village. Then he comes back next year. Women are programmed to have children with the best men they can find. That's natural selection. I'm not blaming anyone. The rest of life is a bunch of different stories, some are funny, some are happy but half of them are sad. And now because of the computers are running dating scene, we have data to prove it.
I think that this is first stage, we just noticed that something is wrong. That was actually very smart experiment. Majority of these men are chasing after women that are not in their league. That explains why as a single 35 year old female with no children that I constantly get messaged by 19 years olds, 54 year olds, guys with 3 kids, and other men where we dont share the same values and ANY common interests. I am also approached by men in other states that want me to pick up and move for them. I've clarified that I'm not interested in men outside my parameters but many think they can change my mind.
They think they are so amazing that if I met them I will fall in love. Many women are different in that if a guy rejects us MOST will just move on to the next. When I reject men they become hyper focused on changing my mind. I wish more people would adopt the notion that if someone doesn't want you that you should just move on. Even if you change their mind its usually temporary. If I want to have a child of my own and a guy has 3 kids and doesn't want more I'm not going to change my mind. I dont have time to give everyone a chance.
If guys stopped messaging women they have no chance with and messaged women they have things in common with they would be better off instead of messaging some hot dream girl that is out of their league. Many of these men get angry and lash out. And I'm also tired of the overtly sexual messages as well. You've deluded yourself into getting it the opposite way around.
You are looking for nothing but hot, single men in their thirties, and so is every other woman on the website. Goes to show what primadonnas women on dating sites are when you can get it all this wrong. Easy there, buddy. But don't go telling someone you've never met she's "way past her prime. I do think it's funny that you label a "hot single guy in his 30s," as tops among men. That's Me. Let me tell you , they're not all looking for that. I'm in my 30s and in great shape best of my life , 6ft tall, friendly, respectful, own a house, two cars, my own business, and vacation around the world.
And I still struggle to get women who aren't overweight or who have kids to respond to me! My guess, for whatever reason, I don't photograph very well. And apparently, that's the most important thing. I've always done much much better meeting people in bars. Honestly, I'd ditch the computer and go back to that in a second, except all of my friends are married and don't want to go out anymore. So, if I go out to a bar, I'm the weird guy out at the bars alone.
It's not easy for anybody, unless you look like Brad Pitt. I can't believe the BS in this opinion piece. How exactly? I've been online dating for years and only once in a blue moon will I receive a "well-crafted" message from a woman. I used bumble and exactly the same experience, usually it's just a"hi" or the equivalent. Which effectively negates the idea that a woman has to message first because the onus is still on the man to create an interesting dialogue.
Well i will certainly have to say that the real good old fashioned women of years ago really did put the women of today to real shame altogether since they were so much nicer with a very good personality as well as having good manors which made it very easy finding real love back then as well which today Most of the women are very Horrible to date unfortunately. It is very difficult for many of us men to start a conversation with a woman since most of them aren't nice at all unfortunately which they will totally ignore us and walk away as well.
Online dating is a real joke altogether since many women will not even show up when you set a place where to meet. So looking for love for many of us good men is like looking for a needle in a haystack which makes it very sad for us since many women nowadays like playing head games to begin with. At least years ago there were really good places to go to meet a good woman for a very good relationship since you had parties, church dances, at school, through friends and families as well as neighbors that would introduce you to someone that they think would be right for you which now it has become very impossible unfortunately.
Man, I totally agree and I am saying this even if I am 30, sporty guy, can cook, have a PhD, write poems, participate in photography contests and earn a decent buck. However I am short, of very clear Italian descendant with baby face and slightly piggy nose and I might strike people as a bit nerdy even if I am very outgoing after you meet me.
Even following all the possible tips I almost never got a reply on either OKC or meet. The fact is after all this effort and not having any glimpse of success I am also thinking that maybe I will not have kids or I will try to relocate on another continent , try to be rich and have fun with my good friends and establish a charity to help people in need also because I earn more money than I need for a single person.
And by the way even if all of a sudden some of my efforts would pay off, I am so irritated by years of insuccess that I would not settle for a girl shows some slight interest without putting any effort like all these "queens" on these websites, what can they really do? Can they sustain all this stress, what do they do? I am currently on Tinder, and have been for about a month. All of the messages I have received from men have been respectful so far. I'm not sure why, but I'm guessing it has something to do with how I wrote my profile, as well as the pictures I chose to show.
My profile is pretty straight forward, without being bitchy. My pictures are tasteful, and there are also some that show I am pretty jacked. I swear that after I have become more buff, men have gotten a ton more respectful. Ridiculous, but true. And no, I don't think I'm special because I'm fit, it is just a physicality. I think one very important thing that any female can do, is be straight forward with what you want, but with a trace of ambiguity and openness.
This way men feel comfortable enough to state what they really want, which is course paramount when finding someone of any decent quality and character. Also, this prevents men from molding themselves to what you want so they can get laid. If you receive a pervert message which you will- it's pretty much guaranteed , do not give them any type of reward attention.
Simply block, or keep the message so you can remember them, and therefore not be subjected to the behavior again. Agree totally. The way women present themselves provokes how men will react. When I see genuine and cute profile, I try to be as well mannered as possible, I don't want to loose this opportunity. But when I see a woman that I don't like and she's a bit off, like desperate or bitchy, then my first idea is to ask her if she agrees to have sex with me, nothing else. I don't do it because I'm fully aware that it doesn't work that way and I simply don't message her.
But this illustrates the difference between my messages based on women's profiles. I am a woman trying st internet dating. There is no guarantee for a man or a woman that they will meet a great partner on the internet. Their age - very young - there location - in another state - their marital status - married - no pictures - incomplete profiles - they have not bothered to read my profile. Then I read through their profile to see if they might be a person I would consider meeting in person.
Guys, don't think the women are ignoring you. I READ the profiles. At least half the men are excluded because they have pets and I am very allergic to animals. Love your dog and your profile picture has a dog? I will pass over you. Say you are an animal lover in your profile? Every man I have messaged that has a pet says "too bad - I love my pet".
That's great! But just one of the reasons I do not message you. I actually READ the profile to see if there is compatibility. Want a girlfriend who is kosher? Not me. Want a girlfriend who is a great cook? I could learn. Want a girlfriend who likes casual sex how is sex casual? Want an animal lover?
Have a fifth grade education and want a woman who can keep house? If you just want flattery, don't expect it on the internet. It is nice to get messages, but if the guy is completely incompatible in many ways, why do I have to send a message? I don't expect men who do not like my online profile to message me either. The fact that I get dozens of messages from completely unsuitable men does not mean I am ignoring "nice guys".
Your neighbor is "nice". Is she dating material for you? My neighbors are "nice". Are they suitable dating material for me? If so, I would be married by now. Very difficult to find a suitable partner on line or anywhere. Think about it,. I'll admit that I ignore most of the messages I get on okcupid. I'm not interested in forcing myself into a relationship with someone that I'm really not attracted to.
It frustrates me that so often do people think that just because they're "nice" they deserve a shot and that simply isn't how attraction works. Men especially think this way. If you're nice and I'm not attracted to you, that makes you good friend material, but if I have to kiss you, I'm going to be forcing myself to do it. That doesn't even take into account sex. I'm not going to date you so why bother? I also ignore or block creepy messages for which I get a lot. If you're okay looking and you message me about something we're both interested in I will reply.
If I replied to every single message, even the ones I wasn't attracted to, I would have to be talking to at least 15 different guys every day. And they would probably continue talking to me for a week at least. That's around different people I would have to talk to by the end of my first week. Almost all of those guys will probably be ones I'm not interested in so why would I bother?
It will be a waste of time for both of us. Unlike dramatic and situational irony, verbal irony is always intentional on the part of the speaker. The author Daniel Handler who writes with the pen name Lemony Snicket takes ironic similes to an extreme by qualifying them so they actually become real comparisons. This literary device originated in Greek tragedy and often leads to tragic outcomes. The audience can foresee the imminent disaster.
There are three stages of dramatic irony: installation, exploitation, and resolution. In the case of Othello, the installation is when Iago persuades Othello to suspect that Desdemona is having an affair with a man named Cassio. Situational Irony Situational irony consists of a situation in which the outcome is very different from what was expected. There are contradictions and contrasts present in cases of situational irony. For example, in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, the citizens of the Emerald City assume that Oz is great and all-powerful, yet the man behind the curtain is revealed to be an old man with no special powers.
These gods, or the Fates, may play with the lives of humans for their own amusement. The irony lies in contrast between what the humans expect and what actually happens. Historical Irony: Historical irony relates to real events that happened that, when seen in retrospect, had vastly different outcomes than predicted at the time.
For example, Chinese alchemists discovered gunpowder when looking for a way to create immortality. The result of their discovery was the opposite of what they were looking for. Socratic Irony: The philosopher Socrates would pretend to be ignorant about the topic under debate to draw out the nonsensical arguments of his opponent. This is particularly evident in the Platonic dialogues. This technique is an example of dramatic irony because Socrates pretended to have less information than he really did. Difference between Irony and Sarcasm Though there are many similarities between verbal irony and sarcasm, they are not equivalent.
However, there are many dissenting opinions about how, exactly, they are different. For example, the Encyclopedia Britannica simply explains that sarcasm is non-literary irony. Others have argued that while someone employing verbal irony says the opposite of what that person means, sarcasm is direct speech that is aggressive humor. Romeo kills himself with this false knowledge. Juliet then wakes up and, finding Romeo truly dead, kills herself as well.
This irony example is one of dramatic irony as the audience has more information than the characters. However, this example of irony is one of verbal irony, since Mark Antony is in fact implying that Brutus is neither ambitious nor honorable. Henry In this short story, a young, poor couple struggle with what to buy each other for Christmas. The woman cuts her hair and sells it to buy a watchband for her husband.
This is an example of situational irony, since the outcome is the opposite of what both parties expect. Desperate to be with him, the mermaid makes a deal with a sea witch to trade her voice for human legs. This is an example of dramatic irony where the audience has more information than the prince. An author may use allegory to illustrate a moral or spiritual truth, or political or historical situation. Allegories can be understood to be a type of extended metaphor. An extended metaphor develops a certain analogy to a greater extent than a simple comparison.
An allegory, meanwhile, uses a particular metaphor throughout an entire plot. Common Examples of Allegory There are many common stories that we tell which have allegorical meanings. These are especially popular in stories for children, as allegories often mean to teach some lesson or help the audience understand complex ideas and concepts.
We also use real events that have happened to teach lessons. The story of Icarus: Icarus fashions wings for himself out of wax, but when he flies too close to the sun his wings melt. This story is a message about the dangers of reaching beyond out powers. Yertle the Turtle by Dr. Seuss: This story about a turtle who yearns for too much power is actually an allegory about Adolf Hitler and the evils of totalitarianism. The Hunger Games: This trilogy of Young Adult books and now blockbuster movies is an allegory for our obsession with reality television and how it numbs us to reality.
An allegory is a very specific type of story, as it must stay true to the message for the entirety of the story. Allegories thus can be difficult to master, as they can be pedantic when done poorly. However, some works of literature that can be read allegorically gain much strength from their deeper meanings. And this they must do, even with the prospect of death. One person escapes the cave and is able to see reality for the first time. However, upon reentering the cave and trying to describe the outside world, the people still chained to the wall reject this other interpretation and vision.
Example 2 No one believes more firmly than Comrade Napoleon that all animals are equal. He would be only too happy to let you make your decisions for yourselves. But sometimes you might make the wrong decisions, comrades, and then where should we be? Comrade Napoleon is a symbol for Stalin, while other prominent pigs in the story represent Lenin and Trotsky. We can bide our time, we can keep our thoughts in our hearts, deploring maybe evils done by the way, but approving the high and ultimate purpose: Knowledge, Rule, Order; all the things that we have so far striven in vain to accomplish, hindered rather than helped by our weak or idle friends.
There need not be, there would not be, any real change in our designs, only in our means. The Lord of the Rings by J. Tolkien J. Tolkien insisted that he did not write his Lord of the Rings trilogy as an allegory of good and evil, yet it is very easy to read the series that way.
Tolkien also shows how evil can corrupt good. Saruman has been corrupted by power, and wants Gandalf to join his side. The news stirred up something infinitely black and evil in the town; the black distillate was like the scorpion, or like hunger in the smell of food, or like loneliness when love is withheld. The poison sacs of the town began to manufacture venom, and the town swelled and puffed with the pressure of it.
Through the course of the story, Kino encounters greed in every direction, which forces him to flee the town with his wife and son. Kino and his wife end up throwing the pearl back in the ocean as it has only brought them misery. This story is an example of allegory in that it shows the corrupting effect of money and power of greed. Metonymy Metonymy is a figure of speech in which something is called by a new name that is related in meaning to the original thing or concept. However, there are many more words in common usage that are metonyms. This is a less obvious metonym because often the team name is a group of people the Cowboys, for instance , yet of course the football players who make up the Dallas Cowboys are not, in fact, cowboys.
The definition of metonymy is more expansive, including concepts that are merely associated in meaning and not necessarily parts of the original thing or concept. Ancient Greek and Latin scholars discussed the way in which metonymy changed words and meanings by providing new referents and connections between concepts.
Authors have used metonymy for millennia for many different reasons. One primary reason is simply to address something in a more poetic and unique way. Sometimes metonymy is also helpful to make statements more concise. Examples of Metonymy in Literature Example 1 Their ocean-keel boarding, they drove through the deep, and Daneland left. A sea-cloth was set, a sail with ropes, firm to the mast; the flood-timbers moaned; nor did wind over billows that wave-swimmer blow across from her course. Thus metonymy creates new connections in this example.
Hamlet by William Shakespeare Shakespeare used metonymy in many of his plays and poems. This line from Hamlet is often repeated. The rottenness is not widespread over the entire country, but instead is limited to the dealings of those in power. In this case, the character Claudius has come to power in a suspicious way, and those surrounding him feel unease at the new order. Example 3 The party preserved a dignified homogeneity, and assumed to itself the function of representing the staid nobility of the countryside—East Egg condescending to West Egg, and carefully on guard against its spectroscopic gayety.
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald This metonymy example from F. In fact, to the outside observer there is not much different between the two places, but the inhabitants of East Egg find it very important to establish the distinctions between them. Example 4 He tried to remember in what year he had first heard mention of Big Brother.
He thought it must have been at some time in the sixties, but it was impossible to be certain. In the Party histories, of course, Big Brother figured as the leader and guardian of the Revolution since its very earliest days. There was no knowing how much of this legend was true and how much invented. Winston could not even remember at what date the Party itself had come into existence. By using the metonymy to refer to the individuals, Orwell further separates the governing class from any sense of humanity; no one in the society seems to know the name of any actual ruling member. Every story has a perspective, though there can be more than one type of point of view in a work of literature.
However, there are many variants on these two types of point of view, as well as other less common narrative points of view. Point of View vs. Narrator Point of view is very closely linked with the concept of a narrator. The narrator of a story can be a participant in the story, meaning this character is a part of the plot, or a non-participant. The point of view in a story refers to the position of the narrator in relation to the story. For example, if the narrator is a participant in the story, it is more likely that the point of view would be first person, as the narrator is witnessing and interacting with the events and other characters firsthand.
If the narrator is a non-participant, it is more likely that the point of view would be in third person, as the narrator is at a remove from the events. These are general guidelines, of course, and there are many exceptions to these rules. Let us look more in depth at the multiple options for narrative point of view.
The choice to write from an unreliable first person point of view gives the reader a chance to figure out what is reality and what is a creation on the part of the narrator. This implies a group of people narrating the story at once.
Have a great day, Hazzy! Violence and Victims, 15 4 , Being fearful of never having stories like these is living in a projected future. The use of ambiguity towards the end of the novel makes it all the more complex. You and your partner sound like you are doing the hard work you need to.
While it is unusual now, most Greek tragedies contained a chorus that narrated the events of the play together. For example, the recent novel The Buddha in the Attic by Julie Otsuka is about a group of Japanese women who come to the United States as mail-order brides: Most of us on the boat were accomplished, and were sure we would make good wives. We knew how to cook and sew. We knew how to serve tea and arrange flowers and sit quietly on our flat wide feet for hours, saying absolutely nothing of substance at all. No standardized success for you. There are two main possibilities for the third person point of view: limited and omniscient.
In this way, it is similar to the first person singular point of view, since the focus stays tightly on one character. Third person omniscient point of view allows the author to delve into the thoughts of any character, making the narrator seem godlike. This was a popular point of view in 19th century novels. Alternating Person Some novels combine two or more of the above types of point of view. For example, some novels alternate between a first person singular point of view in some chapters and the third person point of view in other chapters. Common Examples of Point of View All of us experience life through a first person singular point of view.
When we tell stories from our own lives, most of these stories are thus from that perspective. However, we also sometimes tell stories in the first person plural if a pair or group of people is involved throughout the entire story. We also tell many stories from the third person point of view when talking about events at which we were not present.
We went to the Statue of Liberty, we walked around Central Park, and we ate fantastic food. Therefore, point of view has a great amount of significance in every piece of literature. The relative popularities of different types of point of view have changed over the centuries of novel writing. For example, epistolary novels were once quite common but have largely fallen out of favor.
First person point is view, meanwhile, is quite common now whereas it was hardly used at all before the 20th century. And that too was interesting—I mean it is interesting to know what your thoughts would be at such a time. My first thought, conventionally enough, was for my wife. My second was a violent resentment at having to leave this world which, when all is said and done, suits me so well. I had time to feel this very vividly. Here Orwell relates the experience of getting shot and the thoughts that passed through his mind directly thereafter.
Like you. No kidding. You wonder if Amanda will ever explain her desertion. She was a model and she thought you were rich. You never spotted she was an airhead. So what does that make you? This point of view example creates a sense of intimacy between the narrator and the reader, implicating the reader in the events of the plot and relating the powerlessness the narrator has to forestall his own self-destruction.
Their estate was large, and their residence was at Norland Park, in the centre of their property, where, for many generations, they had lived in so respectable a manner as to engage the general good opinion of their surrounding acquaintance. Thematic Concept vs. Thematic Statement The definition of theme can be broken into two categories: the thematic concept of a work and the thematic statement. The thematic concept refers to what a reader understands the work to be about, while the thematic statement refers to what the work says about that subject in question. The thematic statement often comments on the way the human condition affects or is affected by the abstract concept of the theme.
The thematic statement could be something about the irrationality of human decision-making in times of both war and peace, and the search for the meaning of life in the face of this irrationality. Common Examples of Theme Many politicians craft a message about their campaign around a central theme.
Brands also sometimes relate their advertising campaigns around a theme. De Beers effectively created the tradition of the diamond engagement ring. In both of these cases, the thematic concepts were so strong and convincing that they overcame oppositional arguments. In the case of De Beers, men were suddenly expected to spend two months of their salary on a diamond ring, which until that time would have been considered ludicrous. Themes are generally universal in nature, and relate to the condition of being human. Thus the theme in a work of literature crosses boundaries and makes a story meaningful to people to any culture or age.
While readers may not understand all the references and language in a book from a different time period or culture, the theme of the novel is what makes it comprehensible. It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock The meat it feeds on. Ironically, Iago is the one who creates this jealousy and feeds it. Example 2 In the end the Party would announce that two and two made five, and you would have to believe it. It was inevitable that they should make that claim sooner or later: the logic of their position demanded it.
Not merely the validity of experience, but the very existence of external reality was tacitly denied by their philosophy. Orwell had been a firsthand witness to the propaganda put out during wartime in the s and s, and saw how officials in different countries manipulated stories to keep themselves in power and prove their legitimacy. Example 3 The gypsy was inclined to stay in the town. He really had been through death, but he had returned because he could not bear the solitude. However, many characters actually seek solitude in life and find that the state of being alive is inseparable from a state of solitude.
The characters try to connect over love, family, and duty, yet find themselves always and inextricably alone. Because I cannot have another in my life! Because I lie and sign myself to lies! How may I live without my name? I have given you my soul; leave me my name! As he saw his friends and peers being labeled as communists and blacklisted, Miller turned to the Salem witch-hunt as a model to artistically address the situation.
When asked why, he gives an impassioned speech about the importance of reputation, considering it even more important than life itself. Example 5 Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all those who live without love. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J. Rowling J. Even more important than this, though, is the theme of love. This love, in J.
And, indeed, Lord Voldemort is evil precisely because he is both unable to feel love and unable to grasp its significance. In this quote from the final installment of the series, Dumbledore tells Harry that living without love is the greatest hardship of all. Fallacy Fallacies are incorrect reasoning based on invalid inferences, or false arguments with inaccurate facts. We can define fallacy as an erroneous reasoning based on unsound arguments. Simply, fallacy is making an argument by employing invalid or poor reasoning, which ostensibly looks correct, but in it is not so.
Several examples of such fallacies could be found in everyday life. Types of Fallacies and Examples As fallacy is a common term used in rhetoric, it is used in everyday discourse so much abundantly that sometimes it loses its worth. However, in literature it is very important in that it reveals the real intention of the character, who uses one or the other type of fallacy.
It shows integrity of the character and determines his worth in the literary piece. Do you think you know more about yoga then the Buddha? How can you say that comic relief is not important? This appeal takes place when someone asserts that a conviction or thought is correct or acceptable mainly because generally people accept it as correct. I have a dog that has four legs, so the dog is a cat. It is when an argument is based on an element inside the argument itself, rather than an outside one.
His grandparents lived in Germany during the s, so they were Nazis. So, in simpler terms, a slippery slope means that if one action or step is followed, it will invariably result in the creation of more similar actions and steps, and the process will result in more and more undesirable and negative incidents.
In short, a chain reaction in terms of cause and effect is considered a slippery slope. The object can be a real or fictional person, event, quote, or other work of artistic expression. Since the event, the suffix —gate has been added to many dozens of names to refer to scandals. Heller describes the following problematic situation with no solution: if a soldier is deemed crazy, he can be discharged from the army.
However, if he applies to be discharged this proves he is not crazy. He was said to be invulnerable except for at his heel. Thus, when Paris shot Achilles in his heel the wound proved mortal. Therefore, allusions can be a test of a sort of cultural literacy. It is thus also much more difficult for modern readers to understand all of the allusions in older works of literature, or literature from other cultures. Allusions use the original reference as a point of departure, but they can also change the referent and add meaning retroactively. Allusions create intertextuality in this way.
It is important to note, though, that allusions can only go in one direction. But tell me; in the time of your sweet sighs, By what, and how Love granted, that ye knew Your yet uncertain wishes? Yet so eagerly If thou art bent to know the primal root, From whence our love gat being, I will do As one, who weeps and tells his tale. Alone we were, and no Suspicion near us. But at one point Alone we fell. In its leaves that day We read no more. In this passage, she tells Dante that she and Paolo fell in love over the story of Lancelot, a Knight of the Round Table, whose romance with Guinevere was celebrated.
Though this is clearly an allusion to the historical figure, it is also an interesting case of self-reference, as Shakespeare published his play Julius Caesar a year or two before Hamlet. The plot of Hamlet alludes to the historical figure Amleth. Example 3 The morning wind forever blows, the poem of creation is uninterrupted; but few are the ears that hear it. Olympus is but the outside of the earth everywhere.
In Greek mythology, Mt. Olympus was where the pantheon of gods lived. By comparing the outside world to Mt. Olympus Thoreau is saying that nature holds all the wondrousness of the home of the gods. Example 4 The Cunninghams are country folks, farmers, and the crash hit them hardest. Without understanding this allusion, the line would be confusing as the reader would be wondering what type of crash affected the Cunninghams so extremely.
Colloquialisms are generally geographic in nature, in that a colloquial expression often belongs to a regional or local dialect. They can be words, phrases, or aphorisms see below for examples. Native speakers of a language understand and use colloquialisms without realizing it, while non-native speakers may find colloquial expressions hard to translate.
This is because many colloquialisms are not literal usages of words, but instead idiomatic or metaphorical sayings. Colloquialism is similar to slang, but the definition of colloquialism has some key differences as described below. Differences between Colloquialism, Slang, and Jargon Colloquialism can be confused with slang and jargon, since these are two other ways of conversing in informal ways. Colloquialisms may use slang within them, but this is not always the case.
Similar to slang, jargon is used only by certain groups, but it often refers to words used in a particular profession. Examples of Colloquialism from Common Speech As stated above, there are three different types of colloquialisms that we can distinguish: words, phrases, and aphorisms. Words can be colloquialism examples if they demonstrate the regional dialect of the speaker, or it they are contractions or examples of profanity. Words: Regional differences: One famous colloquial difference in the United States is the way a person refers to a carbonated beverage.
Profanity: Some words are considered profane in some dialects of English where they are not at all bad in other dialects. Put your money where your mouth is. When used inappropriately, colloquialisms will often stand out as jarring to the reader. However, when used well readers may feel the writing is very genuine. Authors may also use colloquialisms unconsciously if they are writing in a time and place they know from their own experience. I hope to hell when I do die somebody has sense enough to just dump me in the river or something. Anything except sticking me in a goddam cemetery.
People coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday, and all that crap. The Catcher in the Rye by J. Salinger J. The book has been banned in numerous places over the years for its use of profanity, which is a chief example of colloquialism. Ye take a healthier slapping the aulder ye git. The blows hit hame mair. Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh In his book Trainspotting, Irvine Welsh created a consistent writing style to mimic the lilt of the Scottish accent.
The book even comes with a glossary of words and colloquialisms that he uses. Well met, Corporal Nym. Good morrow, Lieutenant Bardolph. Henry V by Shakespeare This is a simple example of colloquialism as used by Shakespeare. Twain used plenty of accents, slang, and vernacular to make his characters sound like real Americans of the time. To qualify as assonance, the words must be close enough for the repetition of the sound to be noticeable.
Assonance is a common literary technique used in poetry and prose, and is widely found in English verse. Difference Between Assonance, Consonance, and Alliteration, and Slant Rhyme The techniques of assonance, alliteration, consonance, sibilance, and slant rhyme are all closely related and include the repetition of certain sounds in quick succession. Consonance: Literary consonance is the repetition of the same consonant sounds. Like assonance, the repetition must be close enough to register in the ear of the listener.
The repetition can happen anywhere in the words. Since consonance may happen anywhere in a word, the concepts are related but not identical. Usually the consonant sounds are repeated while the vowel sounds are different, or the vowel sounds are the same while the consonants are different. Thus, slant rhyme can use either consonance or assonance, or it can be a combination of the two. There are many other names for this type of rhyme, including lazy rhyme, near rhyme, approximate rhyme, suspended rhyme, imperfect rhyme, inexact rhyme, off rhyme, or analyzed rhyme.
It is especially common in hip- hop lyrics. Common Examples of Assonance Several proverbs in English contain examples of assonance. The assonance in these phrases helps to make them more memorable in a subtler way than through rhyming words. A few of these proverbs are highlighted below: The early bird catches the worm.
Honesty is the best policy. Let the cat out of the bag. A stitch in time saves nine. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. The lexicon of Old English did not include many rhyming words. Instead, the chief poetic techniques of Old English storytellers were rhythm and meter, and consonance and assonance.
This is because Romance languages like French, Italian, and Spanish have many more words with similar endings. Indeed, rhyme was quite popular in the troubadour tradition, which began in France in the late 11th century and spread to Spain and Italy. Rhyme remained common in English verse for several hundred years, but has once again fallen out of favor.
Meanwhile, contemporary poets still use assonance, consonance, and alliteration to provide more subtle phonemic unity. Examples of Assonance From Literature Example 1 I never heard before of a ship so well furbished with battle tackle… …no wise man in hall or weathered veteran… …asleep from their feasting… …they wept to heaven… Beowulf translated by Seamus Heaney The epic poem Beowulf is one of the largest and oldest surviving texts from Old English.
Seamus Heaney published a translation of the poem in , and in his introduction made special note of the cadence and sound of Old English. He writes that he tried to keep his translation loyal to the importance and frequent usage of alliteration in the original. In the examples above, Heaney employs assonance to mimic the original phonemic unity in Old English. They do have meaning. Example 5 But some punks want to jump up With a sharp tongue and their fronts up Like we got here by dumb luck But they just want to become us. This technique propels the rhythm forward in this section of the song.
Apostrophe More commonly known as a punctuation mark, apostrophe can also refer to an exclamatory figure of speech. The definition of apostrophe as a literary device is when a speaker breaks off from addressing one party and instead addresses a third party. This third party may be an individual, either present or absent in the scene.
It can also be an inanimate object, like a dagger, or an abstract concept, such as death or the sun. Because there is a clear speaker and change of addressee, apostrophe is most commonly found in plays. It does, however, sometimes occur in poetry and prose. Examples of apostrophe in these cases occur in works with an omniscient third-person point of view. The apostrophe definition as a literary device, on the other hand, evolved to the turning from one addressee to another. Therefore, though the terms have similar origins, their meanings are very different.
Common Examples of Apostrophe Many of us are familiar with using apostrophe without realizing it. In this way, though apostrophe may seem unnatural in the context of plays and omniscient narrators addressing the audience, it is, in fact, perfectly natural in our daily lives. Apostrophe is also found in popular songs and other media.
Your medium dark roast allowed me to survive that meeting! The stars are brightly shining! It provides a way for the storyteller to switch gears, add his or her own commentary, or state feelings inspired by abstract concepts. By addressing a person who is not present or an inanimate object that cannot feel or express emotions, a character is instead showing their own inner state. O happy dagger! This is thy sheath; there rust, and let me die. The drama of this scene is that Juliet can no longer address her love, who is dead, and must instead consult an inanimate object in her final moment.
I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. My gorge rises at it. Addressing the skull makes Hamlet contemplate, once again, the concept of death and decay. Example 5 Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird! Odes are usually directed to an inanimate object or person who is not present, reciting their positive characteristics. Thus, odes usually have some form of apostrophe.
Works of literature can have many different types of tone, such as humorous, solemn, distant, intimate, ironic, arrogant, condescending, sentimental, and so on. Any emotion that humans can feel can be an example of tone in literature. All works of literature have a tone. Authors use elements such as syntax, diction, imagery, details, and figurative language to create tone.
Works of literature are not limited to having only one tone. There also may be more than one tone that an author takes toward a work at the same time. For example, a novel can be both humorous and dark, or both sentimental and formal. Difference Between Tone and Mood Tone and mood are very often confused. While definition of tone is the attitude the author has toward the work, the mood consists of the feelings the work produces in an audience or reader. Authors use tone as well as setting, theme, and voice to produce a certain mood.
In cinema directors can add the use of music, editing, and images to help create mood. For example, horror movies almost always include suspenseful and anxiety-producing music. If, instead, bright jazz music were playing while a character is in danger, the audience would not feel the mood of suspense. Common Examples of Tone When we tell stories from everyday life to others, we always do so with some sort of attitude toward the story. For example, if someone had gotten flowers from a potential suitor and was retelling this to a friend, that person would tell very different stories depending on his or her feelings toward the suitor.
I was laughing so hard I cried! That bully had it coming. For example, there have been multitudes of books and movies produced about World War II. The tones used in the different pieces range quite a bit, however. The son struggles with the knowledge of these horrors, and thus the work is quite somber. Her diary, however, is full of hope, even as she deals with an incredibly difficult situation. Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut: Deadpan, Spare—Kurt Vonnegut was present for the firebombing of Dresden, and relates the events of that night, as well as the rest of the book, in extremely unemotional terms.
He is very matter-of-fact about the horrors of war, which allows the reader to inhabit the anger and sorrow of the destruction. Though the tone can be humorous at times, the subject matter is very serious and this contrast creates the effect of parody. Example 2 The founders of a new colony, whatever Utopia of human virtue and happiness they might originally project, have invariably recognized it among their earliest practical necessities to allot a portion of the virgin soil as a cemetery, and another portion as the site of a prison.
The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne: Skeptical In this early excerpt from The Scarlet Letter, Hawthorne describes a new colony that hopes to be a Utopia, yet first constructs a cemetery and a prison. These are two things that one might assume a Utopia would not need, and thus the author sets up expectations that things will not go as the citizens of the town hope. Be glad if you are wrong about it. These words that people write will help I think. My Mom died in December, , 11 years ago and I am struggling. Maybe I have complicated grief that I have read about. I have no children, no spouse, not in touch with family one sibling left, much older, nieces, nephews because after her death was very ugly.
About 5 friends are very supportive but I cry all the time. Today I learned a friend my age will die soon from cancer. Every death I take so hard. I believe I may be an empath. I need acceptance. Some days are better than others. Grief is the last taboo. I am so sorry for your loss. I read somewhere that the loss of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her. I lost my Mom almost 2 years ago and sometimes I miss her so much I can hardly breathe. She was my best friend.
They say grief comes in waves and today was a tidal wave. Reminders are everywhere with Mothers Day approaching and that has been the most difficult day for me. I hope you have caring friends and family to get you through. My sincere condolences for your loss. My first Grandchild, Evalyn, was in distress and delivered by emergency c-section within 10 minutes of getting my daughter to the hospital.
Evalyn only lived for four hours. I think what has helped the young parents the most is knowing Evalyn was going to help others have a chance at life by donating her organs. She was a beautiful baby; looked just like her Mom and me. She was perfect. Susan, I lost my beloved husband on April 25, The pain is unbelievable. It is the deepest and most difficult pain I have ever experienced. I am sorry for both our losses, and I am grieving with you. I lost my husband very suddenly and unexpectedly at the end of January this year.
He simply went out and never came home again. No one told me. That My 2 adult stepdaughters would plan an out of town birthday celebration for my husband 3 weeks after my mothers death. Grief is the necter that cleans your sins. So let grief come. Welcome it. It will not be pleasant but it will be enlightening. Thanks for making such a cool post which is really very well written. Will be referring a lot of friends about this. Keep blogging. You have a very inspiring way of exploring and sharing your thoughts. N doubt, info is original and very well structured.
Keep it up. Thanks for this list. Lost both parents within a year. My mom was an unexpected loss. Dad had been sick. My mom passed first. My 24 year old son, Ashton, was shot and killed 4 months ago. September 29th, No arrests. When your child is murdered, it brings about extra questions.
The Who, what, and why. Questions I may never have answers to. The anger is real. Grief is incremental. You become a completely different person. Phony…fake if you will. I wear a mask. Are you okay? And walk away. Oh and…grief is my new normal. I am sorry this happened to you. If you need to cry in the mall then I say do it. You have every right to be angry. I am so very, very sorry for what you are going through in the tragic, violent loss of your son. Nobody does. How I wish just one person would acknowledge my loss by asking how I am doing.
I wish you the strength and courage to bear it and to heal. The only 2 things i can think of to add to this list is that i wish i had ran across it or someone had sent it to me before my precious mama passed away Jan. During the last years I have lost my father and three brothers by suicide. The last one in June Life was hard for me and grief will never end I think. It is hard to stand against these people. But what is wrong with them to ask me questions like that? I deeply feel for your losses. I recently lost a third brother whom I had know until last year for 41years of my life.
My heart misses him. I lost two brothers to suicide years ago when we were teenagers and I grieve still the second one. Please reach out to support networks. These people who are bullying you are not worth it. They have their own insecurities and leave them to it. You are worth it. Every piece of you.
I am so sorry. People can be horrible. I will never understand people like that and what kind of moral compass they have. Your losses are immense and the last thing you need are people like that. I just wanted to say how sorry I am you have to go through all this. Speak out against it and say it will not destroy you. You will let the enemy know you are not afraid and you will be stronger for it. Knowledge is power. Give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling and live it. Enjoy the moment like all other emotional moments.
They will have to learn to understand your grief. Speaking as a clinical chaplain certified in death, dying and bereavement by the Association for Death Education and Counseling with 12 years of hospice experience and having lost a child myself ,while many of the points on this list were good, some were incorrect and downright irresponsible, and should never be included on a list like this. Some of these statements were made as if they were absolute truths, and it made me wonder if the person who wrote this list had any knowledge of contemporary grief theory and counseling.
I would strongly urge you to rewrite the following statements. It is not an absolute truth, and is not true for all people. Some people are more resilient than others, and resilience is not a sign of denial or suppression of feelings. We can learn to make those events joyful, where we remember the loved one with fondness rather than despondence. While it certainly CAN be true, it is not true for all people in all situations. It depends on a variety of multiple factors surrounding the death, including the relationship to the deceased, the type of death, the presence or lack of social support, spiritual perspectives, and dozens of other factors.
Again, it depends on all the factors listed above, and much more. I have witnessed dozens of peaceful, prepared, beautiful deaths. I hope you will consider re-writing that list with the help of someone trained in grief counseling. It could be a valuable tool, but as it is now, I would never share it with my clients or students. She heard the expression when she knew that the person had died, and she understood. How many years of distrust, of being lost and nobody will care? I could see her fear with us, her children.
She had the fear that we could fear to be abandoned! Please can you introduce in your work to use a proper word and be careful with children that get the direct meaning of a word. Fear of abandonment is known to be very deep, and it should not be associated with death! I have been privileged to be with my parents when they passed. I also work with Hospice and have witnessed and heard many moving stories. I agree Terri, when I read this list, although there were some real good points, there were many that were worded poorly.
Each person experiences death and grief in their own way. It is important however they find help through family, friends, church or support group. I think you just made a few statements that should not be on this list either. Death — dying — can be really hard and unpleasant. Not peaceful, not beautiful. And a few of my friends have also had non-peaceful, non beautiful deaths. This is real. We watched her dead body come out and the paramedics doing CPR and we knew. The silence, the death. We were watching. No one tells you that your siblings continue to live their lives and that you become the only one to care for your physical disabled mother.
I dropped everything to care for my daddy when he was diagnosed with cancer. I took him to Every appointment, Chemo, Radiation every Specialist, every doctor. I always made sure he had whatever he needed, from meds to oxygen and everything in between. Kept charts of appointments, meds, breathing treatments.
He was my Rock, my Hero. My Daddy and I have always been close. It has killed me, I have my own health issues and am so severely depressed that I struggle everyday just to get up….. I have 3 siblings but feel like an only child, I have no life of my own… No one tells you that your siblings expect you to be the sole caregiver of your parents! No one tells you that no matter how many days pass…. The thing that people do say is, it gets better with time…… That is a lie.
Laura, I cannot imagine your grief. I also would think the same things if my mother said some of those things, but outside the box I can see maybe her those were her attempts to cope to grieve the husband she once had. The older generation were not allowed or encouraged to express grief. God bless. When someone you love gets sicks and goes through the dying process, whatever relationship you had with them before the illness will continue through to their death.
People who do not know how to be affectionate, will not suddenly become affectionate. I lost my 19 year old daughter and I thought writing out thank you cards helped me. It was kind of like journaling which helps a lot too. God has provided so many gifts for us to help us as we navigate this journey through grief. Some of them occur naturally green and some of them are given to us supernaturally super-green. I do believe that the super-green gifts are the most important.
They enable the green gifts to work more effectively. The green gifts alone might not be sufficient to provide the healing and peace that we need. I am so grateful for the love and support that we received! The prayers, meals, phone calls, texts, flowers, gifts, cards and letters, tears shed with us, time spent with us, etc. Every time we look at our pet with love our body reacts positively by producing chemicals that lift our spirits. When you do this many times throughout the day, it is a great natural help for our sadness.
Numerous studies have documented astonishingly wide-ranging effects. Cat owners enjoy a 30 percent reduction in heart attack risk. Watching swimming fish lowers blood pressure. Stroking a dog boosts the immune system. You have no doubt felt the joy of being greeted with a wagging tail, doggy kisses, and a loving nuzzle. The pleasure experienced with such a welcome definitely lifts your spirits. It also changes your body chemistry and greatly benefits your emotional and physical health by increasing your feel good hormones, serotonin and oxycotin.
Here is my little serotonin lifter — Teddy Thomas. He has been such a blessing to me. Every time I look at him I can feel my heart lift. I thank God for him every day! When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine.
Read more here. Emotional tears have special health benefits. After studying the composition of tears, Dr. Frey found that emotional tears shed these hormones and other toxins which accumulate during stress. My family and I have had to learn to live one day at a time, especially for the first two years, because that is all we could do. Thinking of never seeing Brett again in this life was more than we could bear. Now that it is almost three years later, I am able to think about the future without my son physically present in it without it causing me anxiety. Two years ago I could not do that.
I know that it is His desire is to do the same for everyone. Living in anticipatory anxiety about the difficulty entailed in carrying a particular cross is a recipe for depression and poor health — physically and psychologically. These super-green gifts require supernatural Faith in order for them to release their healing effects in our soul. This kind of Faith is a gift given to us by God in Baptism but it is given to us in seed form. This is what our loved ones who we are grieving over desire for us. They are cheering us on! If your Faith is weak, ask God to increase your Faith.
If you are not baptized, enter R. A at your local Catholic Church and receive the gift of Faith through Baptism. This will open the door to so much grace and healing in your life! Some of the super-green gifts from Christ that I have found to be immensely helpful in the healing process are the Eucharist, Redemptive Suffering and the understanding of Purgatory.
The strength of receiving the Risen Christ in Holy Communion is so amazing. Carrying our crosses is hard. We need him. In the Eucharist His strength begins where our natural ability ends and little by little he pours it into our hearts, minds and souls. You cannot always detect it sensibly but, like an antibiotic or a vitamin, you know from hindsight the effects. Not only that, our loved ones are at Mass with us every time we attend. We are worshiping God with them there. Our Mass on earth is a participation in the Heavenly liturgy. When I offer each wave of grief to the Lord as my sacrifice it changes it into Living Water because he takes each one I give him, unites it with his perfect sacrifice and uses it as a channel of grace for others.
This increases the flow of grace into the world. He allows us to see some of what he uses it for here and now but most of what he does with our offering will be seen in heaven. We are at Mass to offer ourselves with Jesus to the Father for the salvation of the world and because we are members of His Body on earth Cf. What a high calling we have! If all bereaved people knew this, what a difference it could make in finding meaning and a mission in their suffering! To learn more about how to make your whole day an offering for your loved one who has died go here. There is a very real exchange of spiritual goods — they cannot help themselves but they can intercede for us and they will if we ask them.
We pray and offer our good works for them and they intercede for us so the relationship continues even now but in a new way. This is so good for a grieving heart! It is also a great incentive to grow in holiness because as we grow in holiness our prayers and works become more fruitful for our loved ones. One way of maintaining fellowship with our loved ones is to pray for them. The Book of Revelation portrays the martyrs interceding for those who suffer injustice on earth cf.
Rev , in solidarity with this world and its history. Some saints, before dying, consoled their loved ones by promising them that they would be near to help them. Saint Therese of Lisieux wished to continue doing good from heaven. If we accept death, we can prepare ourselves for it. We will thus prepare ourselves to meet once more our loved ones who have died. Lk her son who had died, so it will be with us. Let us not waste energy by dwelling on the distant past. The better we live on this earth, the greater the happiness we will be able to share with our loved ones in heaven.
The more we are able to mature and develop in this world, the more gifts will we be able to bring to the heavenly banquet. Please do not bring God into this. For many, there is no God, and I think this is a cruel and inconsiderate response. Terri, thank you for your comments. I especially found the part regarding the Eucharist to be profoundly meaningful and comforting. Truly, thank you. Death is one of the only certainties in life but it still comes as a complete shock and feels unbearable. Yes, thank you. I overheard my dad telling my niece that my two sisters will hurt but I will hurt more because of the bond we had.
This felt strangely good—he gets it. I am worried because right now I just want to follow her out of this bleak life. I understand the feelings you described. Your life here matters. May you be comforted and know peace again. With a sincere heart, I wish the very best for you. If you are going for best contents like myself, only pay a visit this website every day for the reason that it presents feature contents, thanks. Every time someone you care about dies the grief from your past losses — even years later— will hit you afresh. I also am pissed at my husband for wasting his life drinking and dying because of it and his choices.
I think we all process and operate based on our own personal capacities. I was raised to share and support those around me, but I find it hard to find the line between sharing and protecting. The only solution I find is to keep that door closed. You will feel like everyone is staring at you everywhere you go. I lost my husband 46 to a heart attack on May 8th. I recently went to lunch with a friend and asked if I looked ok, because I had this same feeling — that everyone was staring at me.
Thanks for sharing, I had no idea others felt this too. I lost my great grandmother to cancer 9 days ago. I was not prepared for what I found in his phone. I also deal with people ignoring me because the circumstances at his death were intensified by an immature work partner of his that keeps showing up. I am thankful for the two close friends that I can be open with. Oh wow. I can only imagine the hurt and confusion you must be feeling, on top of the pain of losing your husband.
Thinking of you Daisy. Take care of you as much as you can. This is nice, and a lot of them ring true. My mom died just over 3 weeks ago. It still feels like a bad dream and it hurts every morning I wake up. I lost my crush on Friday November 30th I never got to tell him how I truly feel and I will never get to. After his death I found out how many mutual friends we have and one of them I talk to everyday and he told my crush to drive safe and shook his hand before climbing behind the wheel.
He fell asleep behind the wheel drove through a fence into a tree then the truck caught on fire. His crash site is across the street from my grandparents. I did care for him deeply. This is one of the hardest death I have dealt with and I have lost way more people than most people ever will. My son died of an overdose 10 years ago. I cried some but was more numb. I have waited for real grief to come all this time….. I cry sometimes. I have always said to myself and others that I am ok because I know he is still somewhere…I miss him and wish I could get to know him better.
He had just turned 18 and was an old soul. But I also suspect that I have thought it was wrong to be angry and sad. If there is a dam and it breaks, I know I can share this with a few trusted friends. Anniversaries are silent. No one seems to remember but me. I suspect it scares them….. It is comforting to remember that your not alone and reading others comments reminds me that I am human and among many…..
Romantic Survival of a Nice Guy (R-Song) (15 Minutes to Brighten Up Your Life Book 1) - Kindle edition by Jon Evenson. Download it once and read it on your. Romantic Survival of a Nice Guy R-Song 15 Minutes to Brighten Up Your Life and The Book of Nice A Nice Book About Nice Things for Nice People - is the.
I scanned downed the list of comments but stopped at yours for some reason. I feel so sad for you, I know you did have a great and wonderful 18 years with your son. You got to hold him and smell his new baby smell. And when he learned to walk and then fell down. I bet you have so many awesome memories. Im never going to know how any of that feels and it hurts that I was never able to know that kind of joy or see myself in a miniature version of myself.
I was the mom to a miniature Poodle for 18 years and we spent every day together, ate our meals together and slept together. The last year was the hardest not only because he was losing his memory and use of his legs but because I constantly dreaded the worst case scenario. I ended up putting him to sleep because I would rather deal with the regret and pain of what I did rather than risk him being alone and suffering at his time of passing. But then what if I lost my son after 18 years? How on earth would I ever be able to cope with that and work through it?
Monica, your son died because he enjoyed the feeling of using drugs for whatever reason but unless he was blatant, you would have ever been able to figure it out and prevent his death. I feel so bad for you because of the guilty weight you carry. I can think of the last 17 years of my life as time I wasted but 16 of those 17 years allowed me to spend all of my time with my Bernie Bear. I was there when his legs would fail him and he would call for me from the hallway. I changed his diapers, groomed him and cradled him in my arms until he fell asleep with no fear of having to wake up early for work in the morning.
I use to say that he was my angel sent to help me through the worst time of my life following the loss of my dad, my car accident, my marriage and pregnancy and all that followed after it, just one thing after another. I gave my Baby Boo credit for getting me surviving all that but not long after the last time I held him in my arms it occurred to me that all that stuff happened to me as a way of helping me so that I would be strong enough to survive the loss of my sweet, little baby boy.
I big part of me was lost 2 years ago and I will probably never accept it and be okay with it but I talk about him all the time and I love to hear other people talk about him and memories they have. They should feel ashamed for not being your strongest support group. I hope it helps. This Reply Is Incredible. Alright, here goes. I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances.
My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love.
And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are feet tall and crash over you without mercy. All you can do is hang on and float. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee.
It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Take it from an old guy. And other waves will come. And lots of shipwrecks. My son left this world on 15 May. He was only I am still in such a hazy place.
I have asked why? Why my son? He was at a place in his life where he had finally reached his very best spot. His fiance was completing her education, he was raising her 2 young sons as if they were his own and had plans to formally adopt them when they got married. He was helping to support his own sons from a previous relationship. He had moved me into his home because i could no longer live alone because of my health and financial situation.
So, yeah, i asked why him?