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Cry, feel your anger, but distance yourself discreetly, say goodbye. I don't understand the part about "Making it Your Fault" or how that would contribute to continuing feelings of love after the separation. But, some do. Temporary Home Carrie Underwood. Rearrange your furniture. View Author Profile.
CBS News. Associated Press. Retrieved 13 January Country Music Foundation Press. Enfield, Middlesex: Guinness Superlatives Ltd. Record Research. Top Adult Contemporary: Are you the kind of person who commits too fully, too completely, or too soon in a new relationship? When you fall in love, do you put aside all other commitments, social ties, individual dreams , and work issues, focusing totally and continuously on the relationship?
Have your relationships exploded into lustful joy rapidly and blotted out everything else in your life when you were newly connected? Are you one of those lovers who makes your relationship the most important thing in your life to the exclusion of everything else? If you had a parent who showed up and disappeared at whim, you may be unconsciously attracted to partners who do the same thing.
Because you were trained to tolerate that powerlessness, you are nevertheless well able to keep your love intact when they are gone. Your loyalty does have a price. When he or she does return, seemingly glad to see you, do you assume that everything is okay? Deep inside, though, you may unconsciously be feeling childhood triggers and wonder if your partner is going to come back this time.
You do everything you can to let go without complaint, re-welcome them without blame, and keep telling yourself that you have nothing to worry about. If that partner eventually leaves for good, your cumulative, unrequited availability and devotion will make it difficult for you to let go. As you did as a child, you will try to wait as long as it might take for the miracle to happen again.
All three of those feelings will, unfortunately, cast a formidable shadow on any of your future hopes. Even if you do not realize it, you will behave as if there is no one who can truly love you in the way you want to be loved. You might be unconsciously broadcasting that belief to any new partner, warning that they could be held responsible for those who have hurt you in the past. If you test too long before opening your heart again, that person might give up, because the cost of you is beginning to outweigh the gain. How terrible that would be if concurrently you have begun opening up the floodgates at the same time as your partner finally has had it and leaves.
Now you are sitting with all of your suppressed love bursting out, and no one to share it with. Do you plunge back into the safety of your closed self to escape the torture or re-choose to give that love where it will be reciprocated?
In the throes of your feelings of abandonment and broken trust, you may feel as though your pain will never go away, and that you will never be able to love again. It is totally natural and understandable that you would feel that way for a while, but you will find yourself in harmfully extended grief if you take all of the blame. Pathological grief can keep you unable to accept the ending of relationships. You may be in danger of holding on to your sorrow as a substitution for the relationship, fearful of being even more hurt if you accepted the finality. Looking back, you are certain that you had every reason to expect that it would continue.
What if your continuing distress and confusion are perfectly normal considering what has just happened? It is totally understandable that you have continued loving feeling that the breakup would, of course, eventually resolve. You are simultaneously holding your heart open, while trying to face what might be a painful and inevitable outcome. Think of all the things about your partner that you desired and those that you were afraid to lose.
Those attachments are the tethers that keep relationships intact. Even after a relationship ends, you might not be able to let go of those attachments. They made you feel alive, valuable, and wanted.
And you had reason to believe that your partner felt the same way about you. Now your partner is gone, and you are still remembering the relationship as though it were reciprocally satisfying and perfect. You may be eulogizing each magnetic moment, while minimizing the aspects that were not working. If you allow your fantasies to substitute for what truly happened, you may try to keep those delusions alive. Do you find yourself buying love potions, sending metaphysical messages, pleading with mutual friends to intervene, posting pictures to get a reaction, praying, or asking psychics for possibilities?
If you have no indication that your ex is still interested, you may be keeping a fantasy alive to avoid the reality that truly exists. It is a human frailty to love too much, and no one has escaped the pain of unreciprocated commitment. The capability to love deeply is a blessing for the lover and loved.
If you have faced this pattern before, it is so important for you to understand why you find yourself doing it again and to work hard at changing those behaviors. What is that reference to "quality people like you"? I guess this article doesn't apply to the lower orders, poor people, you know trailer trash, people who don't have normal feelings like us. What a joke. Perhaps she meant non whites. How sad. Behaviorists talking about emotional problems is about as silly as it gets.
They say you need to understand why you do these things, make up some nonsense, and then say all you need to do is change your behavior. But you mustn't judge yourself, although you may be delusional. Now that's delusional. Checking frequently that your partner still loves you is a problem not a solution. But what else would expect here?
I've offended you but don't quite know why. Thank you anyway for writing. I always listen and try to learn from whatever is said. I've written over articles for PT in the last few years. If you go to my web site, randigunther dot com, you can find them. Perhaps others will be more helpful. Again, I appreciate your reaching out and I meant what I said because everyone I've met has been of quality to me. You completely missed the point of the "quality people like you" phrase and for some reason got offended. As someone who has experienced what the article is about, my interpretation of the "quality people" line is about a person's own self-esteem.
I often asked myself, "what is wrong with me" or "how can someone like me fall victim to this" because previously I had pretty high self-esteem and thought of myself as a strong person, but breakups can be devastating and destroy a person's perception of themselves. The author uses the phrase in a way to convey that there is nothing wrong with you and you are still a quality person even though you are struggling.
Thank you so much for your response. When writing an article about a situation that causes so much pain, I realize that some might be distressed by parts of it. I still value and recognize your insight and am glad you wrote. You missed the point You completely missed the point of the "quality people like you" phrase and for some reason got offended. We longed for the love we once made each other feel. We missed the connection we once had. The fault lies in the fact that we both did nothing about it.
But allow me to say that I loved you for so long, long enough to wish I could just make everything a history. It all came gradually. So gradual that it took me a while to finally accept that our love has now turned into repugnance. Sign up for the Thought Catalog Weekly and get the best stories from the week to your inbox every Friday.
You may unsubscribe at any time. By subscribing, you agree to the terms of our Privacy Statement. You want the truth? I got tired of you.